But you are a tower of refuge to the poor, O Lord, a tower of refuge to the needy in distress. You are a refuge in the storm.
Isaiah 25:4
Growing up in my younger years on the coast of the pacific northwest brought lots of natural beauty. The winters also brought on some good coastal storms. I can recall waiting for the bus at the bus stop with pouring down rain and wind. Our school even had lots of covered options for playing at recess to still allow kids to get outside. Our first year living in Seaside my parents rented a house on the promenade. My father had a viewer scope on a tri pod upstairs always hoping to spot whales, sea lions, storms and stars on the horizon. The storms you couldn't miss during the daytime, the clouds were very heavy and it wasn't hard to see what was coming. Often times a big storm was predicted and the weather on the news would give us fair warning. This caused us to process things. It's amazing to realize the parallels between life's storms and earth's storms. We can be affected by both in similar ways. When a large storm is predicted.. we prepare in a way mentally... when a storm hits unexpectedly like a tornado or even lightning strike, we must assess the damage and navigate our response.
When will it end?
How can I prepare?
How will I respond?
Why now?
What will the damage be?
Who can I call if I need help?
These are all instinctive responses when we know a storm is coming. I can tell you in 2018, I started to see a "storm" forming out on the horizon of my life. My parents lived out in California with me in Minnesota and they were starting to show signs of some sort of cognitive struggle. My dad wasn't always the most organized individual but very smart so it was hard to gauge how serious things really were. They had gotten a small pug puppy since my mom's favorite dog unexpectedly passed away when it got out. I could tell when I spoke with them that the puppy was pretty overwhelming. I can recall having my weekly phone calls with mom and the dog would be very wild in the background with her struggling to manage it. My brother's were both in the area and helping out as much as they could but my parents kept things pretty private.
In June of 2018 we celebrated the High School graduation of Joey. He had worked so hard saving up money for college that summer before so it was really a celebration of him. My parents came out and stayed with us for his graduation party and again we noticed something wasn't quite right. Their suitcases especially my mom's weren't pack in an orderly manner at all. There were also things in there you would not travel with. They were much less involved in things tended to stay back and observe. Both of them previously were always super helpful whenever help was needed. Mom seemed to be moving a lot slower (walking). She was almost shuffling and for someone who walked 3 miles on the beach as long as she had been retired daily, she really wasn't keeping up. I realized I needed to start preparing for a possible storm ahead. I started reaching out to family in the northwest to get advice. My brothers were very busy working and raising their families so I really felt it was easiest for me to take the time. We started a campaign literally I named it titled O.S.S. I am silly that way. Operation Swaney Simplification. They had many complicated things still connected with their house with it's age as well as management of other stuff. The plan was in place for Seattle family with me to fly down spring of 2019 (March 27 to be exact) and assess their living/cognitive situation and have an intervention of sorts. My father wasn't willing to move or anything thinking he had everything under control so we really had to be sensitive to not make him think he was losing his dignity as a husband. My instinctive storm preparations started to form...."how will we know?"....."will they accept help?"....."how can I help this far away?"...."what will the damage be (house)?"........"how do I prepare?"......"how will I react?"......
Joey.....Joey was off at NDSU. He wasn't communicating a whole lot but that was pretty typical. He was never a big talker and liked to save his words to be "funny". His humor was worth the wait. He knew I was dealing with a lot with my parents so he definitely wanted to stay independent and handle things himself. I remember him saying how much easier the academics were than he had anticipated. But that wasn't too surprising he didn't have to try too hard in many classes in school. Of course he wasn't an overachiever but not an underachiever either. We moved him into his dorm in August and he was on his own. He came home at Christmas and worked quite a bit at Hyvee (he was a produce stocker at a local grocery store). He seemed a little stressed when he was home at Christmas but we didn't see anything obvious. He and his brother Marc did spend a lot of time together and there was a lot of laughing which is always reassuring to you as a parent.
January 2019: LOA I requested a Leave of Absence from my work for the summer. I had worked as a school secretary so the summer left me the ability to take some time off while someone covered for me occasionally. The leave was approved for June 15-July 30. My hope was to somehow transition mom and dad into a safer living situation.
February 2019: A call comes from my dad from California. Water is coming through their floor and they don't know what to do. I told them to call their homeowner's insurance which he did and an adjuster came out to help them out. The problem was my brother's and I didn't know what they had been told and something didn't seem right. The water had been shut off to their house due to a slab leak. They stayed in the house with no water. My dad purchased lots of gallons of drinking water at walmart and lined the counter and bathrooms with them. My mom told me on the phone it stunk so bad with the soaked carpet and dad wouldn't open the windows. I knew something was wrong. My brother got fans and pulled up the carpet but like me couldn't figure out the directive from insurance. What was going on? I called triple A insurance which was their homeowners company. It had been about 4 days that nothing had moved forward with their house. Each day my dad and mom would go to the local walmart and hang out there using the bathroom. They would go out to eat for all their meals and returned home that evening. The house was always locked. The insurance company called me back and was so grateful I had called. They had been frantically trying to reach my dad or mom via cell but they never answered. The adjuster had told them they could take the dog and go to a hotel which would be reimbursed by the insurance company but somehow that message didn't get through. Looking back now I am sure my dad was completely overwhelmed but not willing to ask for help. The plumber had shown up each day to do the work but the house was locked and they could not access it to start the repair. Each evening my parents would return, my dad would sneak the water back on outside the house so they could shower and then turn it off again, thus soaking the floor over and over again. I was able to find them a hotel and they went there to stay but it was a large undertaking. The hotel received a warning call from me that an older couple would be showing up to check in with a dog (likely young acting) and to call me if there were any issues. She called saying all of my dad's cards didn't work. I paid for the hotel wondering what was going on with his cards. It turned out they were new cards since he had lost the previous ones and forgot to activate them. The sticker was peeled off but they weren't activated. Their floor got fixed but I was guessing the house must be in disarray.
An unexpected lightning strike.....It was a Saturday morning. My parents house was under control so I was breathing a sigh of relief that they were back home safe and sound. My phone rang and it was a North Dakota number so I answered, "Hello?" Joey: "Mom, it's me I've been lying to you for two years. I have depression and anxiety but don't worry, the college is treating me. I called the suicide hotline last night and am in the hospital but I am okay. I'm a man and don't want to bother you with everything you have going on with your parents. "
My heart felt like it stopped. Time stopped. Tears flowed. Fear paralyzed my thinking.
I spoke to the doctor who was somewhat concerned because of how good he was at covering it up. She did have some concerns on the drug combination the college had him on (we had no idea until this moment as he as 19 years old- an adult). She said "he is so black and white". She changed one med and encouraged him to come see her weekly to no avail. His battle was deep in the trenches in this moment and darkness had a strong hold on him.
I called him that night while he was there multiple times crying begging pleading. He was insistent he could finish school, he knew what he had to do to get through it. His sister spent a lot of time with him texting and on the phone and he convinced us it was going to be "okay" and that he was "fine"
I so badly wanted to call my mom, she always knew what to say to comfort me. She was a picture of Faith and Grace in a storm always but she was in her own storm and may not be able to fully understand this so it was me and God walking through these downpours together hand and hand.
I was all packed and ready to go to my parents on March 27. We had a shared document online with our well laid out plans how to approach this situation gently but safely. Joey had just been home for spring break. Trying not to be obsessive but I was counting the days until I saw him in person again to see he was okay. He was home for a week from March 10-17 and he seemed very on edge. We went skiing and he was so fearless in some ways I just kept wondering what was happening in that mind. Friday, March 15 we had to bring a car to Jacque as she was having car issues and we had an extra old van. I remember suggesting we all go and have a nice dinner out as a family. I had recently gotten retro pay on my check so wanted to celebrate. We went to Shogun (similar to Benihana) and had a great time. Sunday, March 17 he took his two brothers out for a Shamrock Shake and headed back to NDSU to finish his freshman year. This week was the eye of our storm....
March 24- Storm damage extensive, power out, flash flooding of tears....
The knock on our door was late, 10:30 pm on a Sunday evening. We were sound asleep but Marc and Luke could hear the pounding so they answered. It was a Shakopee police officer. "Are you the parents of Joseph Matuza? (yes...)North Dakota law enforcement has been trying to reach you by phone. I am so sorry to tell you your son has been found deceased in his dorm room" In that moment time stopped, my storm preparations weren't ready. My mind processing all this information in such a short amount of time watching my family in complete traumatic shock. The questions were overwhelming....just breathe...just breathe....
I had wonderful friends who came alongside me and just were present in my storm. It reminded me of a "Shiva" in Judaism. The sitting Shiva is where first degree relatives are simply present with one in grief. One friend even called the airlines to get everything cancelled for my trip I was to leave for in three days.
My parents....how will we tell them? Will they understand? My brother and I decided the only way they could be told is if he was with them so he went to see them and had me on speaker. They were so excited to talk to me. It was heartbreaking. I then broke down over the phone and told them the news and yet another wave of this ever present storm came down. My mother's response showed very much that she wasn't the mom I once knew. She didn't completely understand it fully as I could hear no emotion, just "oh no" "oh no" but in a very innocent voice. My father didn't ever show emotion at funerals that I remember and I could hear him and my brother just crying heavily in the background. I did my best to comfort them in their storm while dropping my storm right on top of it. My brother flew them out to Minnesota which I later learned after getting them through TSA must have been a huge undertaking. I remember him telling me he arranged boarding for their dog they just had to drop it off but when he showed up to pick them up, the dog was there. He had to think quick and get the dog safely boarded. My Seattle family was still flying to CA to assess their house and my brother rushed back after the funeral to help while my parents stayed with us. We put them in our bedroom so they could have their own bathroom and we stayed in Joeys room. Life was a complete blur in these moments. Support and love was coming from all sides but we were just existing in a complete state of shock. My parents were somewhat of a refreshing distraction. They showed up in March in Minnesota (still snow on the ground and cold) and mom had an empty suitcase. She did have a remote to the TV and one random croc shoe. Each meal dropped off at the door was a highlight for them both. They just loved it thanking us so much for the great food. I often think God knew I needed a distraction and having my innocent struggling parents with me was just that. There was the morning my mom came down the stairs in the morning. It was just dad and I in the living room. She had Joe's boxers on and a random dressier shirt from my closet. She was so happy to find these really comfortable cotton shorts. Of course my dad was very embarrassed and upset but God knew I needed that in my storm. It was like a one of those unexpected rainbows. Each moment with my parents at that time was cherished as I knew my time with them the way I always knew them was changing. So almost a rewarding nightmare if that makes sense. Most of the time neither of them seem to grasp the depth of the situation but occasionally my mom would show back up cognitively and would be there just like always. I had to be strong and not show too much emotion as she wouldn't understand and I didn't want her feeling my pain. If her issue was numbing her from it, that was almost a blessing.
My brother and the family from Seattle went to assess my parents house while they were staying with us and as expected it was not good. My brother's family and many friends did their best to do an initial purge of what had taken place. They had been hoarding along with the slab leak damage and other things, it was in rough shape. We kept mom and dad with us for some extra time in order to allow for a safer living situation at least until I could get out there in June. I can recall our second worst day, driving up to the college to retrieve all his items/truck and meet with law enforcement for them to reveal their findings. It is an unexpected thunderbolt that any suicide loss family goes through on the law enforcement side. You are now in the midst of a criminal investigation while mourning your loved one, the "criminal". We drove up there with mom and dad in our van and they were just thrilled to see barns and snow piles having no idea the depth of what we were headed into. While meeting with the law enforcement at the college, mom and dad cheerfully waited in the waiting area. The blows were crushing. We then rode in separate cars home. Joe and Marc in Joey's truck with his belongings in the back and Mom, Dad, Luke and I in the van. I was a bundle of emotions with Luke comforting me and in the seats behind me were again my parents so excited about the things they were seeing that they do not normally see. Each moment was breathtaking in that time. But I learned in this great stormy time to remember my preparation questions, how will I respond? What will the damage be? What can I control?
How will I respond? I lived in somewhat of a placid place of calmness in this time. It was as if my nights of grief left me in a fog during the day but I started making small goals on what I could control. Self care was important. Initially it's hard to care about what you look like or what you wear. Just processing those decisions can be exhausting. I accepted early on that I am not in control and it's often God and I traveling on the treacherous road of life.
When will it end? I've learned that there are questions we won't have answered in this life. I choose to see the small things. There are days that I've had a lot on my plate but I learn to see the light find something in that day that brings you peace or joy. It might be a puppy or a sunset or sunrise. Take the time to appreciate those God moments. They are gifts.
What will the damage be? In suicide loss, the damage is extensive. Not only are you suffering the loss as a family but often your story is so devastating it is too much for many to handle. You learn to "be strong" when you feel weak, be patient when you feel rushed, be faithful when you feel worried and have courage when you feel fear. It's so important to remember what you've been through to get you through what's coming.
Where is help? I find a lot of help in my Faith. God has been by my side through it all.
That summer I was able to get my parents moved up to Oregon closer to extended family but our family wasn't out of the storm. My younger brother's wife had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer in August of 2019. My parents were living in the northwest. They were in a senior living apartment. Matt had called them to tell them about his wife and they were so saddened by this news. A few days later after her diagnosis my mom called and was so excited she said Matt had called dad and she doesn't have cancer after all, it was just an infection they were able to treat it and clear it up. I was hesitant since much of the information going through my parents wasn't making it through clearly. I remember texting my brother and asking how he was doing. He was clearly still processing devastating news regarding Laurel and nothing had changed. I texted him not to answer the phone if mom or dad calls. He was in the midst of his own storm and didn't want him to have the lightning strike of that phone call. I started to become conditioned at responding calmly to these unexpected wind shifts coming my way. Your energy needs to be preserved for handling the crisis. I tried to keep that energy close so I had it for future unexpected issues headed my way.
The storms of life sometimes present many unexpected trials. How will you respond? My advice is to find a way to grieve through your losses while appreciating your gains. Acknowledge the feels when they happen. Learn to know yourself and others in your journey. Find those safe individuals to help walk alongside you in this storm. They often have really good umbrellas. When presented with a crisis, take a deep breath and do what you are capable of in that time. Find help when you need it. We are all hesitant to ask for help but we must learn our limits and know when the storm is too much. Find gratitude in the Grace. It is so tough to be grateful when it feels like you are in the depths of a battle to survive. But I promise you finding the Grace in gratefulness truly helps to heal the pain in your heart of grief.
Pop up showers.....this journey has been a stormy one to say the least. My parents do not remember the losses our family has suffered. (those who passed much younger than we would ever imagine) When speaking to my parents far away, mom now in memory care on hospice and dad living in an apartment not comprehending his wife's terminal diagnosis. I am truly blessed to have video chats with mom weekly and we laugh, watch I love lucy, listen to some of our favorite musical songs, sing hymns and just enjoy the moment. She has a peace in her alzheimer's, an innocence and the Grace she has always exhibited. She hasn't had it easy either. Memory care placement happened in January 2020 with all long term care closing to visitors including her husband who couldn't navigate scheduling a visit, handling technology and video visits, handling a cell phone, all of these were difficult. Mom ended up having a small stroke in April of 2020 which led to her losing mobility but due to restrictions, there were no post stroke therapies and wheelchair fitting didn't happen so we had to buy her one ourselves on Amazon. Through it all, mom's peace was ever present almost divinely gifted. I can recall a caregiver saying she was having a terrible day and was crying, they were going through so much. Mom noticed her upset and asked to pray with her. Keep in mind mom wasn't always verbal after the stroke. This caregiver called mom her guardian angel.
You can't always see the size and scope of the storms coming in life but you can take heart to respond to them in healthy ways. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and each day is a gift. Moments can be a time to create a memory that you will cherish. Don't let yourself get lost in what others expect of you, sometimes their expectation is more about them than you. Accept what is coming your way and just move forward as slow as you need to. Breathe....some days deep breaths truly help you take that next step. Believe me there are moments where I have asked myself can I possibly take any more and surprisingly I can because I am not in control of what happens. I must set my eyes above. There's something to be said about the cliche phrase "keep your chin up" Truly in a storm you must look for the light sometimes the skies are so dark and yet when the storm passes, sunshine finds it's way back.
My husband Joe has been drawing through his grief in our loss of Joey. He is often inspired by lyrics. Most of them he just keeps to himself as they are an expression of emotion that can not always be understood. His drawing usually have two sides so you can flip it around and often have many hidden parts.
Expression is key in life's storms, express with acceptance those tears, fears, questions, answers, questions without answers and love. It's all part of the story. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
"The only scars in Heaven are on the one who holds you now"