Psalm 141:3
Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.
One thing I can appreciate about the tradition of Shiva is the silence. We often feel obligated or pressured to force words when they are not always necessary. It’s as if the very fear we are processing in the situation triggers a forced verbal response. I am not immune to this, I am sure I said things that were far from comforting to those grieving an unimaginable loss. It was likely uncomfortable and so I just wanted to make sure I at least said something. I have learned a lot in this, words aren’t always necessary. Sometimes just a hug, a toilet cleaned, a lawn mowed, anything can take the place of words and be so impactful. Many of you remember the friend I had who showed up at our house the day after we heard the news to clean our toilets. I never spoke with her that day or saw her but the gesture was something I will always remember. Who volunteers to do that at someone else’s house? I had other friends who just showed up and were not necessarily saying anything with the exception of how sorry they were. This brought so much comfort as I processed the news.
There are many of us suicide loss parents who were approached the with dreaded questions, questions that will become haunting in our own minds. Why? Did you know? How come…? What if??? Were there signs? Questions for a suicide loss parent should be avoided. They may offer you lots of answers willingly without the questions but these questions from others can be agonizing. Questions and assumptions are often driven by both curiosity and fear. This type of grief encounter requires an added energy that the grieving parent simply may not have. It is often the words that come out of these encounters that leave that parent withdrawing from someone who could potentially be a helpful support in the future. This withdrawal isn’t meant to be rude but simply protecting a heart that is weary.
Words are not always necessary but when they are choose them wisely. Some of the kindest things I’ve heard shared by grieving parents is someone being completely honest with their own hesitation and fear. In this respect these words are helpful when someone admits they simply do not know but want to help.
I heard that exact phrase often early on, “there are no words” and it comforted me. That person was deeply sorry and just put that into words by saying there simply are none.
As your life goes on, it may get uncomfortable to be with the “sad friend”. After all, they are still carrying that grief and it’s been a few months so shouldn’t it be better. You didn’t experience their loss so it’s hard for you to understand the systemic effect of grief. This is when the temptation of the tongue can go south by saying things that actually do not bring comfort. Phrases like “you need to move on” or “you need to get over it”. I’ve been in many griefshare groups and suicide loss groups where this story is often shared. There really isn’t a moving on or getting over it in grief. The grief journey is one you get through, not around or over. There may be a situation where that person is sinking into a deep depression and needs help but even then it’s not getting over it, it’s processing through it.
I challenge you to be aware of the temptation of the tongue. It can be razor sharp so knowing this will help you adjust your approach when being a good support to your hurting friend or family member. Words chosen wisely will be such a help.
Proverbs 12:18
The words of the wreckless pierce like swords; but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
