It’s okay to cry…
2 Corinthians 2:4
For I wrote to you out of much affliction and anguish fo heart and with many tears, not to cause you pain but to let you know the abundant love that I have for you.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving
It’s the shortest verse in the bible and yet it’s so important; John 11:35 “Jesus Wept” He experienced the emotional toll grief has on a person just like us. Jesus wept when he learned that his friend Lazarus had passed. The love he had for Lazarus was shown in his tears.
So many of us have that instinctive response to apologize if tears make their way to the surface in conversation. It’s as if we already feel responsible for making the other individual (s) uncomfortable and instinctively we apologize. We shouldn’t need to apologize for our emotions and yet it’s not very acceptable socially for us to openly cry.
There is a Jewish tradition that truly values the mourning process of grief. The family in mourning is encouraged to express their grief and sorrow at the funeral. Following the funeral, the family goes back to their home where the tradition of Shiva commences in the home for seven days. A Shiva candle is lit in the home and mirrors are covered. Why cover the mirrors? This is for the mourners to understand that appearance does not matter now as they mourn. The loved ones and family members sit silently with the person in mourning and offer any and all support needed in the home for the next week.
This tradition goes back to the times of Job in the bible.
Job 2:12-13
And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and WEPT, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.
I have found that those of us who are grieving a loss like suicide loss learn how to manage our emotions and have our “cry places”. There are times tears are truly needed to help with the healing of our broken hearts. If we cry those tears to God we are lamenting which is also a way to bring about healing in our grief.
If you know someone who is walking in the valley of grief, come alongside them. You do not need to stay in their home for 7 days with the mirrors covered if that is not their tradition but you could come alongside them just offering a listening ear.
Bereaved parents love talking about our children and that topic seems to fade with time. As I gather with other bereaved parents, the best part sometimes is getting to know a child I never met through them. They glow telling us about their child and we laugh, we cry and we share understanding that these moments are a gift now. If you know someone who has lost a child recently, sitting with them and actively listening is truly the most supportive gift.
It is certainly not lost on me that I am the Mother and I do get permission to grieve. I can recall attending a bereaved parents conference last April when an adult sibling shared what a challenge it was to be the surviving child after losing her sister to cancer in high school. She said most of the adults were often asking her how her parents were doing but rarely was she asked how it was going for her. The trauma of her sister’s cancer journey had everyone just agonizing for her grieving parents. This truly made me think about my other kids and what they must have been going through at this time.
There is also a societal presumption that the father may not need the emotional support the mother will. Many fathers are trying to hold their family together, hold their faith and possibly still fulfill their role as the provider. This is a lot of pressure to “hold it all together” for the family.
If you are grieving a loss, please know those tears are part of the process and can provide healing for that hurting heart. Give yourself permission to cry. It is okay.
If you need some helpful tips on crying, the shower and the car are both options that allow you to work through the tears without disruptions.
Be the brave friend who can stay with the tears, you won’t be sorry as you will witness what your compassion can do for someone else.
“Those who do not weep, do not see” Victor Hugo
The conference I spoke of earlier is hosted by Our Hearts are Home and there is another one on April 12-13. If you know a bereaved parent who needs to feel connected with others on a similar journey, these conferences are wonderful. There is a virtual option to attend as well.