When God sparked HOPE through Quincy....

Luke 6:36

Be Merciful even as your father is merciful.

Quincy? What’s that about? I will get to that soon. Certain memories in a loss become vividly embedded in your mind. The evening of March 24 will always be that for our myself. As we were awoken by a local police officer to lovingly deliver the worst news of our lives, I had to navigate a house emotionally distraught and handle the phone conversations to come on that officer’s phone with Fargo authorities.

He was a wonderful officer just sitting with me as I was thrown into the role of being both the communicator and advocate for my family in these moments. Of course it never bothered me to talk to people but this role was a whole new level of energy and commitment. I can only recall one voice on that call where I believe I spoke with a few. This voice is someone I often jokingly refer as my first “therapist”.

All three individuals I spoke with were informative and asked questions but only one had a gift from the moment he spoke. His gift was God given and it was compassion. He said things that were so heartfelt and supportive at a time when I felt as though it was God and I alone navigating this desert road and where was God here? I will call this kind man of God, “Quincy”. ‘Quincy’ immediately said words like, “we are so sorry this has happened to your family and please know that my partner who is transporting your son has your family heavy on her heart”. I was told that his partner is an advocate for suicide prevention and very involved. He went on to say how beautiful Joey was and what a nice kid he must have been. Of course you all are thinking how could someone you don’t even know say something like that about your late son? But God knew I needed these words. When you are informed about your son in the same breath as the word suicide, your thoughts become a mess of questions and devastation. You question if the child you raised was even someone you knew. And those questions lead to the haunt of guilt that can be so dangerous in this suicide loss survivor journey. It’s the affirmation by others that they saw the same Joey that helps you through those defeating thoughts. One of my first affirmations about Joey was from someone who never knew him in this life.

‘Quincy’ continued to be part of our story through the Fargo side of this journey. Joey passed away on the campus of his college that day in his dorm room. ‘Quincy’ just happened to be the one called to the scene as he had been before in a town with a few colleges and was sadly familiar with suicides at these schools. Joey was the third suicide at this school in the past 12 months. He had navigated this road before and yet took the time to see things from my broken hearted perspective. There were moments where different agencies were communicating with me and I would have to call different individuals involved in order to talk about certain issues. I can recall him mentioning that I have enough going on at home right now so I could just call him and he would relay any information to the proper agency for me. There was no need to have me make that extra effort. It wasn’t necessary. Over and over again, God used ‘Quincy’ as a barrier to the complete devastation and defeat of this moment us from potential worse trauma. Suicide loss can have compounded devastation. There is a battle for hope and it takes energy and effort to find it.

We talked often in those first couple weeks. In some way, I felt as though he truly was being present for us in this nightmare. Easter weekend happened not long after Joey passed that year and I can recall one conversation where he shared with me that on Easter Sunday, his family was praying deeply for my family and our current situation. He talked about having a son not much younger than Joey and how it’s not lost on him that I am living his worst nightmare. ‘Quincy’ even talked mental health with me and his wife and him losing a child. Vulnerability can be so empowering to others and his vulnerability was propelling me forward.

God knew I needed a talker in these moments and and thankfully ‘Quincy’ was just that and in this connection made in tragedy, the healing that comes with hope began. One of the final acts he took initiative on was to protect us from a potential deep trauma. Two weeks after Joey passed we had to make the excruciating journey to the Fargo campus to retrieve his belongings and meet with law enforcement. While there isn’t a way to lighten this “task” as that’s what it was, there was reassurance for me that ‘Quincy’ was there and was looking out for us and would make sure our hearts were protected. He had suggested I have the college pack up his things for us because he said police had made a big mess in that dorm and it would have created unnecessary trauma and questions. As Joe and I sat in that meeting, the second worst moment in this devastating journey, ‘Quincy’ did intervene more than once on our behalf. He wasn’t the only one there and when speaking with a criminal investigator for the first time regarding your child, it is crippling. The investigator for us was very thorough but also cold and sterile and with each word, my heart wound deepened. But, yet again, Quincy would interject and help soften things bringing compassion back into a conversation that was lacking just that.

In a moment that seemed darker than the darkest night, God placed a bright star in the sky to light the way forward. ‘Quincy’ knew grief, he knew depression, he knew anxiety and God gifted him with compassion. A compassion I will forever be grateful for to this day. His presence in our initial story opened a door that seemed shut and sealed to gratitude and hope. I was so grateful for his words, his presence, his faith, his story and his listening ear.

I hope ‘Quincy’ is training others all over this country in his field on how to approach suicide loss. While the other two involved in this process were very cold and sterile, ‘Quincy’ was present. I pray for him often in what he faces on the job and how he processes that personally. But I hold out hope that God is using ‘Quincy’ day in and day out as a light in other’s despairing moments.

So I pray for all the ‘Quincy’’s out there today and their families. I pray as they have to process the hardest moments on families, they are able to allow God to speak compassion through them like Quincy. May they be blessed as they are blessing others and May God bring healing to their mind for what they see on the job day in and day out.

Some of you may still be wondering why I called him Quincy.. Well this gentleman was the Coroner on site at the university campus that night. My dad used to watch a show titled “Quincy” when I was young about a coroner so I hope he finds humor in the nickname. I just want to make sure his identity is protected if that’s his wish. I want to dedicate today’s song, “Brighter Days” to ‘Quincy’. He may or may not see this post but I hope he does and shares it with his wife, coworkers and children because he helped me to see brighter days that day and for that I will be forever grateful. This song wasn’t out at that time but truly I could hear God speaking these words to me through ‘Quincy’.

Brighter Days Lyrics

I know there's gonna be some brighter days

I swear that love will find you in your pain

I feel it in me like the beating of life in my veins

I know there's gonna be some brighter days

I know there's gonna be some brighter days

Oh, ashes fall from burning dreams

Oh, never lived through times like these

Oh, if you're trying hard to breathe in the dark

In the dark

I know there's gonna be some brighter days (yes, I do)

I swear that love will find you in your pain (oh)

I feel it in me like the beating of life in my veins

I know there's gonna be some brighter days

I know there's gonna be some brighter days

Oh, if your screams don't make a sound (if your screams don't make a sound)

Oh, if your walls are crashing down (crashing down, crashing down)

Oh, if your heart just cries too loud all the time

All the time, whoa

I know there's gonna be some brighter days (some brighter days)

I swear that love will find you in your pain (love will find you)

I feel it in me like the beating of life in my veins

I know there's gonna be some brighter days (there's gonna)

I know there's gonna be some brighter days

Colossians 3:12-13

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.