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  • Writer's picturemlematuza1

Twinkle Twinkle little STAR, let your light shine where you ARE.

You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God lights up my darkness.

Psalm 18:28




Is your light flickering....

Weary. I often try and think of a word that best describes my current journey. Weary often comes to mind. Don't get me wrong I am truly blessed to be able to be well rested physically and blessed by a beautiful family. Sleep is something I no longer take for granted. When trauma happens in life, you quickly discover sleep isn't relevant in those moments of shock and disbelief. The mind is a powerful thing and can simply take over what you knew as peaceful rest but for me I was able to find sleep again and consider myself blessed as a result.

The Weariness I refer to is that weariness that comes with uncertainty. Things I once thought were certain are things I have given to God in every single way. My parents and their current path of aging with Alzheimer's and Dementia, my children as they travel this path of loss, my husband as he processes this family loss as well all are not something I can control.

Light. I always tried to maintain a positive outlook in life. This, of course came from my mother who could bring light and calmness to every situation as I was young. Those moments in our family where financial struggles were clearly present, she hid that behind fun and creativity.

Darkness. The world brings with it darkness. Unfortunately my son was not able to distinguish that darkness in his mental health struggles and the lies that came with that. Being the daughter of a science teacher came with its own special experiences. There were moments in our travels as a family that we had to stop the car to take a rock sample. We also heard many a science lesson on the rock layering and the different types of rock. Of course there was a time we visited a cave with a tour. During that cave visit, I can recall the guide turning off his light so we could experience that complete darkness. It was scary. That darkness made the uncertainty in that cave beyond real. How could we find our way? Then the light returns, a tiny light, the flicker of a candle which brought so much clarity in that cave. That tiny little flicker. What an example of the light God gives us. Each of us can be a light for him in our words, actions and even responses to things that happen in our lives.

Temptation. I can tell you with a suicide loss trauma, this world tempts me in so many ways to go negative on many levels. You see as I have said before suicide is the opposite of HOPE. Our society has so many struggles with hope. Addiction and Suicide start with this hopelessness battle. I personally have to give that temptation of hopelessness to God in my moments of despair. I do not struggle like Joey did but can now relate to the lies that try to attack my mind.





That little light of hers....

God has used my precious mom for years as an example of Grace, Resilience and Unwaivering Faith in all times, both good and bad. Her path not without valley's included 3 cancer journey's starting at age 39 and with each, she simply trusted God to carry her through his perfect plan. Over the years she has been a light to so many but not the kind of light who runs to the stage to make sure the spotlight shines on her brightly first. She was a steady light who simply lived her light.

I can recall a time in my life when I had to call my mom for help. I had a situation where I had been betrayed by a friend and was left with quite a bit of debt and other things I had to handle without a lot of maturity. She came out to where I lived, hugged me and started picking up the pieces to help me with the "clean up". Keep in mind she had advised me that this friendship didn't seem wise at the time. As a result, she really was someone I relied on to point me to God by her actions and her faith. Fast forward to the most difficult moment in my life. My Mom would be the one who would know what to say and point my focus up, not on myself or not down to the ground. But, as I processed that phone call giving my Mom and Dad the news, it was clear that in that moment she wasn't quite understanding (due to her dementia and Alzheimers diagnosed a year later) what had happened. In fact, I would call her to chat later that year and she asked when Joey was coming to visit and wanted to see him. It was in these moments I now knew God had used my mom to prepare me for this moment.

I recently had a visit to Oregon to help my parents from a distance. Each morning I walked from my aunt and uncles house to my mom's memory care facility and sat outside her window. It was just my vulnerable real moment to be "with" my mom. Needless to say I would deliver her favorite drink, hazelnut Latte to the front door before I found my seat at her window. One morning I was getting lost in my grief which is okay and normal but that morning I could tell the temptation was pulling me to feel that negative feeling. That enemy of hope just tugging at my mind. Despair. I knocked on the door and a caregiver came to the door with her mask and I gave her the coffee drink telling her this was for my mom, Jacque. She then proceeded to tell me that my mom is her light. She was having a tough day one day when Covid had occurred at their place. The staff were working long hours and residents all being kept in their rooms 24/7 unless they needed to use the restroom. This lasted 4 weeks to protect the residents. Keep in mind just before this time but still when my dad could no longer visit, my mom had a stroke which has taken her walking ability away but cognitively she is the same. This caregiver told me she was having a terrible day nearly in tears trying to juggle it all working on staff maybe dealing with personal struggles as well. She goes into my mother's room and my mother simply offers to pray with her to lift her up. Encourages her to give it to God.

You see as a child my mom sang a song, "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine". She truly is letting her light shine through dementia, Alzheimers, a stroke, Covid, and more. How can that be possible? God is how that is possible. He has used my mom her whole life to shine his light.

I am trying to preserve any memory items my mom saved so that we can hold onto that legacy of light she has left here. One thing I found was a box of letters, most of the letters she sent home to the States while we lived in Manila, Philippines as short term missionaries on assignment with my dad teaching at a Missionary kids school in Manila. Mom was home and wrote detailed letters to her sister and mother which have been saved. As I was transposing these letters I see that her traits have always been present. She dealt with a lot in the Philippines. Within the first 6 months we lived there (I was 4), we had the Asian Flu, my brother had Measles, My dad and brother had asthma and allergy issues, my dad had a kidney stone, ameba's and more. All of this without a working phone and a car that couldn't be relied on in any emergency situation. And yet in these letters she is often asking for prayer for others. I believe that even though I may not have my mom "present" as the mom I once knew, I can say God is still using her to show me his way and show me that his word is a lamp unto my feet a a light unto my path.

Each day there is something hopeful found in just that, the day. The sun comes up shedding light on a new day with new blessings, new moments, new people. I have come to appreciate these new moments of light that God brings to me each and every day. I am reminded of his presence through each of them.

Where you are.

I have been so blessed by being surrounded by so many bright lights who help me so much. It is an interesting thing to consider. There are moments in life when your light feels like it is fading and God brings those bright light's around you to help relight your candle in a way. Ultimately what I have found is that someone's light shine's brightest in my world when they are putting others before themselves.



Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of trouble.

Psalm 18:10

The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.

Psalm 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 26:3-4

Those of steadfast mind you keep in peace—because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord God you have an everlasting rock.

Psalm 32:7-8

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.


Find the light right where you are...

It can be a challenge to see the light even when it's right in front of you. For me I rely on God to light my path each day to get me through the challenges that may come about. There is in fact a complacency when life is predictable and comfortable. God has been there for me through this entire path. I am simply at the very mercy of each day as they come, with both the good and the bad.


There is a daily inspirational book (very small ones for each day) that I have found very comforting. Some of them are just almost divine in their timing. Here is the one from July 1. Sarah Young's book, "Jesus Always"

I am life and light in abundance. As you spend time "soaking" in My Presence, you are energized and lightened. Through communing with Me, you transfer your heavy burdens to My strong shoulders. By gazing at Me, you gain My perspective on your life. This time alone with Me is essential for unscrambling your thoughts and smoothing out the day before you.

Be willing to fight for this precious time with Me. Opposition comes in many forms; your own desire to linger in bed; the evil one's determination to distract you from Me; the pressure of family, friends, and your own inner critic to spend your time more productively. As you grow in your desire to please Me above all else, you gain strength to resist these opponents. Delight yourself in Me, for I am the deepest Desire of your heart. Psalm 48:9; Deuteronomy 33:12; Psalm 37:4


There is a light right where you are. I would encourage you to seek out this light as it will guide you on your path.



A song I listened to long ago as a big Amy Grant fan. Possible preparing me for my valleys in my future. Thy Word by Amy Grant


Recently a worship song played at church.

So will I by Hillsong Worship



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