Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 For everything there is a season, and a time for every manner under Heaven;
Time does indeed fly when you are having fun. I never really thought about that phrase we just throw it around lightly until we experience the deep truth behind it. I can recall years ago passing judgment on a family member who was a young mother. She never had calendars or clocks or pictures up in her home and I thought she should have those in her home like my own. While I do not know her story, I do know her childhood was not easy and came with it some monumental challenges and traumas that most of us could never even fathom. She also had to transition to a foreign country at a tough age pretty independently.
But in my experience with grief, I started to see the explanation for her actions avoiding the visual representation of time.
Following Joey, I can recall a calendar that stayed on the month of March through the entire year. There were also decorative clocks that had batteries that died and they sit to this day with time frozen. I get it now. It made sense, time was the enemy. Each day, each hour and minute that went by was that much closer to my reality that he was gone. Time had a sting. I can recall what it was like for our family. We were all in different “grief” timezones. My husband and I as the parents tried to stay in the present while being constantly pulled to the past. It was what we could manage. The future brought with it fear and the past brought with it tears. Our children were more in the future naturally as they were young and had their whole life ahead of them. It took a concerted effort not to constantly long for the past when life seemed so much easier. There was comfort in those happy times and couldn’t we just stay there when the kids were little and life was “good”? But time continued to pass.
As time has passed, acceptance become the story. That first year is just shock and it’s such a whirlwind. There is also such an outpouring of love and support at the funeral, you almost feel that adrenaline rush of strength to get through it. But you are then faced with the dread of the firsts. First Birthday, Mother’s Day, Holidays… Each one of those in that first has a heavy weight of anticipation. I almost recall anticipating the day was generally in some cases worse than the actual day. But with each one, you are able to reflect on the previous that you had gotten through. Small steps through a timeline that seems ominous.
Psalm 90:12
So teach us to number our days so we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Time can help. It doesn’t take away the pain but it does create distance between you and that initial devastating moment. I would encourage all to please remove from your vocabulary the cliche phrases such as “get over it”, “it’s time to move on” or “time heals all wounds”. These generally might seem helpful but can be very discouraging for someone moving through their journey.
Grief is a representation of love and if you loved, you will grieve likely the rest of your earthly life. Avoiding that grief only creates inner turmoil that often presents itself in destructive ways. Some may look at me and be grateful I have “moved on”. I can tell you for Joe and I there isn’t a day that goes by that we can say we have moved on or are over it. That’s just not possible. What I will say is the loss becomes more of a reality over time and with that reality comes acceptance. The wound on your broken heart has scarred over now. It is always there and at any moment that scab can be ripped off but in working through your grief, you have found a way to accept your loss, validate your grief and hopefully help others in theirs. This for me has been such a healing way to use the wound for good. It also brings perspective. In the isolation of grief, it’s easy sometimes to let deception tell you your story is the worst one and no one has gone through something as awful as you. It’s in a support group setting, perspective presents the truth quickly. You will hear others stories and your heart will ache for them. If support groups are not something you are comfortable with, there are a lot of books that can have the same effect. The book on Child Loss called “Shattered” by Gary Roe is one I found to be helpful.
So if you time is haunting you, here are some helpful suggestions:
Find a way for your time to help others. Volunteer or attend a support group. This will shift your perspective and your story will help others.
Find healthy time outlets. . It’s easy to isolate and dwell on our loss but that isn’t always best for healing. Find outlets that are a good fit for you. Time won’t be so tenuous if there are healthy outlets in your schedule.
Psalm 40:31
They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like Eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint, teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait.