Growing up on the west coast, mountains and oceans were a regular part of my landscape. Those mountains were just majestic in their beauty representing such power. I love visiting Portland and always having Mt. Hood as a visual. It reminded me of a time when my family took a ski trip there and got completely snowed in and had to stay longer. Road Tripping you learn that it takes Faith to get through those mountains with your vehicle hoping it can make those elevation climbs and that the brakes will hold up on the back side of that mountain.
The week after Joey passed away is one as a mother that no one can quite prepare for. It is truly a MOUNTAIN in front of you. There was a song that became such a comfort to me during that time and was performed by a couple dear friends at the funeral. I would watch the Bethel Music Youtube version as it just brought me to complete submission to my faith. Through it all in this particular week, my eyes could only be in one place on my Lord Jesus to help carry me through this Mountain in front of me. There was no better description for my heart at that time.
Logistics
As a mother of four, organizing their lives growing up and planning our family road trips was such a joy. I loved meal planning, road trip planning and even navigating their ups and downs with them. This established my role in our family. A role I didn't realize would be one relied upon in this moment.
I hadn't had to plan a funeral for anyone in my life yet. I did help my sister in law from a distance plan her funeral for her husband who lost a battle with cancer way too soon but I hadn't really been through it in detail myself.
Starting the Climb: Family, Friends and Faith
Your mind is in a fog and you are in a shock state without sleep running on adrenaline. Your 19 year old isn't coming back home...ever. You have a funeral to plan, people to navigate, your other kids to worry about and your every day life to make sure is taken care of. Fortunately you discover that there are so many around you who are truly angels just waiting to help you through moments like this. You also discover complete strangers that have now become part of your life in the most incredibly supportive way. These include fellow suicide loss survivor parents who friends or even church connects you with. You start connecting with them realizing your feelings are completely normal. The Coroner in Fargo and the funeral home woman become people you rely on for comfort in the details. They take the time to understand how difficult this must be for you and do all they can to ease your burden. You hear words from a Coroner who literally saw your worst nightmare like, "I am so sorry for your loss, we are truly treating your son with the utmost respect in transporting him and want you to know your family is on the minds of all of us in the office as we are parents". The funeral home is literally just the one closest to your house, you just know you've jogged by it years ago so many times you are going to go with the familiar now. You go meet with them and empathy and comfort is something they bring to the table the minute you arrive. They logistically help you gather your thoughts and put them together. They truly have a gift. You reach out to your pastor at church and your worship leader who help you navigate planning an unexpected funeral for a 19 year old. In the meantime, you have friends, coworkers and family just helping you through every step. If you are like me, you are literally taking every step up this mountain by FAITH. Only God can carry me up this one, truly. Things start happening that make you realize he is present and real in your trauma. It was important to me that the funeral was special and being the planner I was, I didn't quite have the capacity to take the time (6 days) to plan that but God knew I needed that so friends just happened to be a the right place at the right time to make it appear as thought we did so much work but it was really those around us making that happen. Another blessing that was incredible was the meals, paper products, toilet cleaning, clothes shopping, burlap cutting.....Friends, family and neighbors have now become angels around me knowing with a divine nudge what we would need that week. It now becomes real that you are starting to climb this mountain, you can't see the top, not even close but the strength you are getting from God and those he has placed in your life are certainly helping make each step possible. The tears are there fairly consistently as is confusion, anger, and despair. Part of your heart has been shattered, fractured and you don't know how it can be mended....but then you see hope, it's around you. It is represented in love in the most real way. You will get through this, not without slipping and having to get back up but it can happen. I think of those individuals who climb Mt. Everest or the Rock Climbers who scale a huge rock face. Each step they take in the climb must be secure, sure footed in order for them to move forward. The only way for my steps to be sure footed is if I am being carried through them by my FAITH. My feet will slip and have but I have found that happens most when I am not looking up but allow myself to look down. Gradually I am making it up my mountain and it's gradually becoming more visible to me, I can see the top knowing I will get there. My verse for these moments can be found here:
Mark 11:23 New King James Version (NKJV)
23 For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says.