Weeping may endure the night but joy comes in the morning. Ps 30:5
In the month of March this year I decided to post on social media every day for 24 days and celebrate the 19 years I was blessed to share with my son Joey. It helped to be able to acknowledge the life he lived and the joy we shared instead of just focusing on that day. The 2 year anniversary of his suicide was on March 24. As most of you know my story Joey left things behind that showed me he was struggling with depression his senior year of high school before he ever made the life transition to college. He kept his battle from us and tried to carry this all himself. I have had to recognize things in myself through therapy in order to move forward on this grief journey. Mental Illness is a part of my families' story and I will not hide from that. I will talk about it as long as I am here in order to help others learn about their mental health and that of those they love.
There are many out there deeply hurting at this time with their mental health. The isolation and possible other unexpected changes have brought them to a very tough place. I want everyone to know their presence on this planet is not by accident and they are perfectly made in their own way. This world needs all of us to be complete and we each have something to offer.
Reach out for help. 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741. Those of us who are suicide loss survivors do not wish this on anyone else. You are LOVED.
The obstacle of despair
This article by Colin Falconer I found really gives good tips on battling despair.
Breathe: "Even though it sometimes seems impossible, there will be a brighter day. But to get there you have to remember to keep doing that one thing: BREATHE"
All things must pass: "It’s the basic law of life. Good times, bad times, nothing ever stays the same. A run of bad luck can’t go on forever. The tide will come back in; it always does. It’s a law of life. Until then, keep breathing"
Look for light at the end of the tunnel: "You may not see it today, you may not see it tomorrow. But if you stick to steps one and two, you will finally see that glimmer one day. " The photo below is a tunnel going under a road into our neighborhood. Joey jogged through this tunnel many times in his running phase as a boy.
Poco a Poco "It’s a saying where I (the author) live in Spain. They use it all the time; it means “little by little.” You may want this nightmare to be over today, but it doesn’t work like that. Grief, financial meltdown, divorce; these are things you walk through one small step at a time. When you finally see the light, chart a course towards it and start walking, one small step at a time."
Be Gentle with yourself. For me, it is really not having a lot of expectations of how others should act around you or how you yourself should act around others. If you find yourself focusing on that, your grief is unable to find it's way forward.
Don't think time heals all wounds. This phrase simply doesn't hold true at least for my loss. What time does is teach you how to process your feelings in a real way. You are able to acknowledge it, work through it and start to recognize it. Time also gives you pause for acceptance.
Be tough with yourself. "Allow yourself to grieve; if you’ve lost someone you love, then don’t hold back the tears. If you made a mistake that’s cost you your business, your house, the farm‒okay, indulge yourself, beat up on yourself. But sooner or later you have to stop. You’ll know when it’s time. But when that day comes, you have to raise your eyes and discipline yourself not to keep looking back."
Don't make big decisions. This was something I needed to hear early on in a griefshare class. I tend to be someone that would react making decisions trying to find the feelings I simply didn't have at that time and couldn't have.
Don't expect things to be the same again. There is that book that most mother's my age remember "what to expect when you're expecting". Unfortunately there wasn't a manual for what to expect when your child dies by suicide. But if there was the title would have to be what to accept instead of what to expect. Acceptance and surrendering to the feelings as they come is truly paramount in healing. Things will never be the same again because with loss of any kind, you're perspective is changed. If it's a family loss, each member of the family is experiencing their grief journey in their own way so the family feels different.
Remember to like what is left With an unexpected child loss it is so easy to focus on what I no longer have. It can be such a challenge to focus on what is still here but for most of us suicide loss moms, it is what keeps us going. Reshifting the focus on the path in front of us taking one small step at a time sometimes hitting the curves and hills and valleys while traveling the road of grief. With this mindset of what is ahead instead of standing on that same path stopped looking at the path behind you. The added challenge of a tragic family loss is sometimes focusing on the family you have that is still here is also seeing their pain and their grief which isn't easy but is real and is okay.
What is your truth in this obstacle of despair? What depression lies are winning and how can we see them and see they are just obstacles in our way?
The obstacle of Fear
I recently heard this acronym. FEAR= False Evidence Appearing Real. There is such truth in that. Many of the fears that leave you stuck in grief are perceived fears. I remember a fairly crippling traumatic moment in this journey soon after we lost Joey. We started our two remaining sons in therapy and one of the two therapists who met with us said rather matter of factly "you do know that the risk of your other children dying by suicide is increased statistically with this". I still wish that would have been handled differently but welcome to the stigma even in therapy on occasion. That therapist should not have said that soon after our trauma, true or not. Of course we should know but the right way to frame that would have been "I am so sorry for your family's loss and just know we are here to help the boys understand grief and their mental health journey through that process as the more they know the safer they are."
Fear can be dangerous. This fear isn't roller coaster fear or trying to make contact with the ball at the plate fear, this fear is deeply internal. It's a fear that doesn't come from a good place. A fear that is responsible for some who have anxiety that affects their daily lives. I have now witnessed this in family members at one point or another and recognized it in myself. I can see where you are so afraid, the fear wins and negativity sets in. I will surrender to valid fears and give them to my Faith something I rely on. The other fears I work hard to recognize which fears are simply more obstacle based fears and which fears are those that will help me move forward. Marc recently opened up to me about his process in grief with losing his brother. Keep in mind he has been in therapy since that week every week. He started playing guitar and has started writing music. These are such symbols of hope for me as his mother but then I look at what he has had to process. Just a brief part of his story is that Marc struggled socially at school in 7th grade and his big brother Joey was his best friend who helped him so much. Marc recently shared with me some very clear signs of despair and hopelessness that has settled into his mindset. He isn't necessarily in danger but he is simply perpetually hopeless. I encouraged him to get further help as he is an adult at 18 so it has to be his decision. He decided he does need more and possibly medication to just get his brain balanced. Sadly once this possibility was introduced fear and anxiety took over and I witnessed in this amazing young man a level of fear that was real to him. He started searching the possible medications on the internet, he started realizing his brother was on medication (one heavy prescription) and isn't here anymore. His mind was having a battle over this false evidence appearing real. We talked through these things and I was able to share with him that Joey's story is very different. He was seeing two different departments at a college for his mental health that did not speak to each other and we his parents were not involved. Marc will have a team of people including us, his primary doctor, his therapist who knows him very well and a mental health provider. On that day Marc took the phone and made a call to schedule an appointment. I have seen a change in Marc since that day he took a huge step to not surrender to that false evidence. Marc has so many people around the world praying for him and wanting him to be okay. He has gotten over so many milestones but that can be so hard to see with depression and anxiety while being an 18 year man who lost his best friend. He has graduated from high school this year, lost 70 lbs on his own and has found healing in playing guitar. His therapist I am sure is teaching him to recognize his trauma triggers and know how to approach them and to talk to us about what he is feeling. The courage it took for Marc to share with me his feelings was amazing and devastating at the same time. I had to face my own false evidence in that moment and see who was in front of me and what they needed from me.
I came home from work this week to this ponytail sitting in the garage for me to see. Marc's hair has not been cut since covid. He was laid off from his job that was starting to really be a connection for him to some other guys his age. That theater has not opened back up. This ponytail was a symbol of courage, I knew it. Marc was all smiles when I asked him about it and Jacque and Joe cut his hair for him. He wants to donate it. We aren't sure if that is an option but what a difference a week makes after he asked for more help indirectly. I thought I would share photos of Marc and his haircut. He would hide behind that hair if he didn't feel comfortable talking to someone.
What is your truth in this obstacle of fear? Are these fears perceived truths or real truths? What can you do to see the truth in this obstacle?
The Stigma Obstacle
Fight the obstacles presented by the stigma
Living your truth, being real
Educating others to the
Teaching compassion
Stigma (definition): a mark of shame or discredit: STAIN
Losing Joey to suicide has introduced me to the stigma behind mental illness and suicide. I clearly must have been part of that stigma because of how much I didn't realize it existed. Our experience has opened my eyes to this chronic stigma with mental illness and suicide loss. Things have been said or even asked of me that would never even be a thought without that stigma in place. Joey did not want us his parents to know of his struggles and definitely would never want any family or friends to be aware due to his own perception of how it would be viewed. Of course none of us wanted to lose him to depression and would have done anything to save him from the fate but for him he was battling it all while masking it.
The stigma behind suicide and mental illness is well established in human history. Nazi germany actually made a decision to murder all those who were in mental institutions (275,000-300,000) at the time of the war. They also sterilized many who exhibited antisocial behavior. https://www.britannica.com/event/T4-Program There is also the movie "One flew over the cuckoo's nest" which brought to light mental institutions and care for those who are struggling. It is my belief that the combination of the existing stigma combined with the uncomfortable nature this culture has with Trauma and unexpected loss create a very challenging environment for those who are struggling. Emotion suppression has become the norm and personal face to face connections more and more rare even pre Covid. The standards set for say our high schoolers are set online. Clique's that we once experienced at school and escape at home, they cannot escape. Cyberbullying and social media standards are creating for those who struggle with mental illness or even grieveing a loss or trauma a monumental obstacle. This can also be true for adults.
These individuals who are experiencing mental health struggles need to feel supported. I remember the June after Joey passed away I was on a flight to or from my parents helping them move. At that time flying was very emotional for me for some reason. I was going through quite a bit at my parents house while processing my grief from Joey so I suppose that was part of it. One other part was being in the clouds. It was almost a relief to not be on the ground and be closer to the beyond in a way. There was a businessman sitting next to me, very nice and I was looking at pictures on my phone just remembering so much joy in our family. He asked me if that was my family and was the first stranger to ask that dreaded question, "how many kids do you have?" Me being the open book I was I stated I have four kids but lost one to suicide a couple months ago then proceeded to tell him Joey's story. He sat there and told me he had struggles and had to get help and medication and is okay now but he hid it from his boss because his job is pretty important at the company and although his work wasn't affected, he didn't want them to know so they wouldn't use the stigma against him (my words). Another recent story so similar but more a young man around Joey's age. His mom and I have connected and again I have been blessed with a lifelong friend I would have never met were it not for our similar stories. Her son was military reserve and had some struggles but was talking with his mom about it. They were getting help but he didn't want the military to know in case it would affect his position. Unfortunately, he lost his battle with depression as a 21 year old in 2020.
My experience with the stigma is a little different. What I have found is others unknowingly may show it in conversations or questions. There is a crisis training program my previous district used and the information was very good but definitely talked more about recognizing the instigator of a potential crisis and how to get ahead of it even by offering help to that student. The suicide part of the training was very sterile and stigma heavy. I would love to help the writers of it reframe that section. I have found more that some individuals avoid me because my story is simply too much for them I suppose or they don't know what to say.
Educating doesn't instigate. Do not think talking instigates suicide, educating others about their mental health and suicide actually opens up the conversation and allows that individual to feel less isolated and possibly get the help they would have avoided. See the article below about common myths regarding suicide.
Another amazing connection I have made in this journey is Angela Allen. She lost her son Jason to suicide in 2020. She made a video on facebook not soon after to try and educate others. She is what I would consider a warrior mom in the battle of advocating and educating others on preventing suicide. Her story not unlike so many mothers I have met in that she had no idea he was struggling and at 15 years old they hadn't talked a lot to Jason about suicide prevention. There was one conversation where she had heard of a local story and wanted him to know about it. Angela's video describes how we need to talk about the potential risk of suicide and teach kids about their mental health and what to watch for at a very young age.
Many see a person who struggles with mental illness as broken instead of sick. We need to compassionately approach them with care just as we would someone sick. It truly takes a community who all have acceptance and understanding to prevent suicide and support those who struggle.
How is the stigma behind mental illness presenting an obstacle for you? Is it keeping you from involving trusted friends or family? Reach out and find the freedom in revealing your truth.
The Obstacle of Resentment
One part in this very well known prayer that is so easily forgotten is "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us;"
When I hear devastating news stories such as shootings. I feel terrible for all the victims involved but one more victim the mother or parents of the perpetrator. What is her story and how does she feel? I just did some quick research on a recent shooting and the young man lost his father to suicide in 2004 and his mother called police a year ago very concerned her son may do something terrible and was not okay. This mother was trying her best to navigate her son's struggles. Unfortunately the worst happened despite her efforts. I look at that as yet another failure on so many levels. That family a suicide loss family trying to navigate that valley which on it's own is difficult. Resentment took over his heart and won in the end allowing him to become who he was. Hate is a very dangerous emotion that can poison your heart from the inside out. Resentment is giving your heart over to a grudge. Grudges and hate do not come from a good place and only allow darkness to fester. Upon losing Joey to suicide at the same time that I was starting to begin the Alzheimer's journey with my Mother, I simply couldn't have hate or anger in my heart. Sympathy became something very present. I also wanted to be an advocate to "save a Joey". Resentment and hate allowed to fester in a heart are thefts of light and contributors to dark. Some are able to make it out of the festering negativity that comes with resentment but more often than not, someone will be victim to the results of their resentment.
Resentment and hate can affect your health. What does the Mayo Clinic say about your health and forgiveness.
How can you possibly find your way out of resentment?
FORGIVENESS
Find heart not hate.
I would challenge you to read the article below and not be deeply touched by this story. The Amish have set the example for all of us in this article. One thing not mentioned is the perpetrator in this story had lost his daughter years ago and snapped which lead to this terrible day. This man had huge obstacles internally likely including resentment and guilt and it destroyed him from the inside. His mother and her relationship with the victims families: An example of forgiveness we could all learn from.
How is the obstacle of resentment getting in your way of moving forward? Is there hate in your heart and is it getting in the way of HOPE and LOVE? Search your heart for this emotion and acknowledge if it is an obstacle in your peace.
The Obstacle of Guilt
Forgiveness of oneself can be another huge challenge especially in a tragic circumstance. Suicide loss is notorious for haunting guilt and regret. Just like the festering damage resentment can cause, the emotion of guilt can do similar things to the heart.
It is okay to feel guilt even conviction about something you have done to others. There are times you may be able to make things right with the other individual by having a conversation and making amends. There are also times in Joey's case where we are not able to have that conversation but must come to terms with our guilt emotion and process through it. For me personally, I have to find the truth in that emotion. The truth is that it is NOT my fault as his mother. He was sick and was trying to navigate it himself. What I can do with that guilt emotion is reframe it using that energy in a positive way telling his story to advocate for other "Joey's" out there. The wounds will start to scar over with forgiveness as part of your story.
Each of these emotions can present an obstacle in our path forward. I would encourage you to reflect on any of these emotions you may have and acknowledge the obstacle and find a way to work through it.
How is the obstacle of guilt holding you back? Is this anchor of guilt weighing you down? Is it holding you back? How can you move forward understanding the false truths behind it and getting through it?
But those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles*;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:31
With my new commute each morning as the daybreaks, I am blessed by an eagle along the highway guarding a nest atop a tree. I have seen it each morning the last few weeks. Each eagle sighting I have is a reminder of the very verse above.