Philippians 1:3a I thank my God in all my remembrance of you..
This post will be hard to hear and for that I won’t apologize but will say it’s okay. It would have been hard to me to hear as well 20 years ago.
Having lost a son to suicide and parents diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and Dementia and residing in long term care has placed me amongst “the forgotten”. Both types of losses/changes are those that are hard to see and easier “forgotten”.
The funeral was such a high moment with so much love and support in one place. We just felt such a lift from it. It’s hard to describe but when so many stop their lives for yours without much notice, it just defines Mercy and Love. But like with most funerals, that is the high, people must go back to their normal lives and traditionally you show up for the funeral and pay your respects and then leave. We can’t expect more than that. I will tell you, though, there are a few friends who to this day check in and just see how it’s going. One has moved out of state I haven’t seen or spoken to her in a few years but this text that comes through saying she is thinking of me really does comfort.
There are also friends we have not heard from in years really. It could just be busy lives but I know Joey is a tough topic to face and facing us sometimes forces that reality. Forgetting seems like it hurts less. Depending on how close this person was, does it?
We loved Joey so much and he was such a great brother and son in our family so it’s hard to experience this “forgotten” instinct included in loss. I encourage you all to say their name, talk about them. I know it seems like you are just making it worse but you aren’t. We want to talk about our late loved ones. We may even have some pretty funny stories like in my case and would love to share those with you. You may even smile and laugh instead of what you anticipated would happen. Of course when we are done and leave your presence, we may grieve deeply again but that is okay. It’s just our love and we don’t mind. We are honored to acknowledge the lives of our loved ones.
I can recall when the kids were little they loved drawing and creating. I found that our local 4H club was a good fit as they could put all their creations in the local county fair for Ribbons. Our 4H club the Shakopee Super Seekers went to a nursing home each valentine’s day and passed out homemade valentines. What a treasure that experience was. I am not sure how well this took away the fear of those environments for my now grown children, but I do know at the time it was such a blessing to experience the resident’s joy around children. Joe would even bring his karaoke machine and serenade the residents with some of his favorite old classics. We would also on our own trick or treat at a nursing home when they were little. But as they got older, it wasn’t as comfortable of an environment for them and their desire to participate waned. It’s just not culturally encouraged to make time for the elderly who may have to live in long term care.
A few weeks ago I was having a discussion with a staff member at my dad’s memory care house. This gentleman is wonderful and is from Ethiopia, one of 16 siblings. He was telling another staff member from Kenya and myself about how in Ethiopia (and Kenya for that matter) they don’t have facilities like this because families treasure their elders and care for them to the end. They take them in and make the sacrifices necessary to return the love to them that they gave to us. Of course our westernized culture is much different and lifestyles, careers, commitments can be demanding. Believe me, this is not easy to say, I had to make the difficult decision to place both parents in long term care for their own safety and care. But that being said what is sad is within these facilities how often I notice they are the “forgotten”. My mom resides in what would be considered a “late stage” house with 10-12 residents. I know one resident there had family who stopped coming about 6 years ago, it was just too hard and he does not have any visitors. His demeanor and decline has been steady since my mother moved there on April 30, 2022. While in contrast there is this dear woman who’s husband visits nightly and helps with dinner. I think there are times she knows him and times she doesn’t but her joy in the experience is so evident.
Covid changed these long term care facilities and visits from volunteer groups and outside agencies. It seems as thought those group visits to long term care have not returned. It would be so nice to see young faces visiting these grandma’s and grandpa’s someday again. They light up and it truly would help alleviate the side effect on these folks in being “forgotten”. Having a cognitive diagnosis late in life does not mean you are vegetative. Generally, you are still able to experience joy and laughter. While their reality is altered, their ability to smile is still there.
While culturally it’s just how we are wired, I would encourage you to change the mindset of “forgetting”. Consciously make an effort to remember the person that passed and talk about them. Make an effort with that older person. You will leave both experiences feeling better as a result of the joy you will see in both the griever and the care resident.
I also encourage you to think about those who are in these facilities and can not leave especially in a 2022-2023 Minnesota winter. What can we do for them? I visit often and their smiles are so genuinely filled with joy. They love music and love to sing. Let’s honor those who came before us and celebrate their lives.
Blessing others prevents regret so please REMEMBER.