Psalm 143: 7-8
Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Don't hide your face from me and I will be like those going down to the Pit. Let me experience Your faithful love in the morning, for I trust in You.
This past weekend I was able to take the boys to one of my favorite places in the midwest, Grand Marais, MN. It reminds me so much of my childhood town of Seaside, Oregon in many ways. While we were driving there on Friday night, it was very foggy and was so familiar to me in the path I am traveling in grief. It is truly a FOG. The Fog of not knowing. The fog of literally trying to see through your tears sometimes. The fog of all those emotions.
I took a video of the boys walking on this path towards artists point and it was an actual depiction of this path. Sending my boys into the fog of uncertainty, even grief while I follow on the path of faith keeping them in mind. The waves crash on either side of the journey but as long as I keep my focus on God, I can put one foot in front of the other. I must say a loss is like a fog in the back of your mind. You are always somewhat on alert preparing yourself for a tear trigger or even a joy. The fog makes it hard for you to maintain focus and at times you even find yourself squinting to see the hope but it is there. It's there in those two boys in front of me with their whole future ahead of them. They still have hopes and dreams and that brings a glimpse of sunlight to the fog. At times the fog clears for a bit allowing you to get your footing back on the path. I would say that through a loss or even a trial, this fog can be overwhelming and there is a darkness pulling at you that wants you to look down and wants you to be swept up by those waves. It is despair and the key is to set your eyes on the light and get the help you need if necessary to get through it. For me the FOG represents facing, observing and giving in.
Facing: There are so many things that you are forced to face when it comes to suicide. I will be using that word Suicide as it is a word that has changed my life and needs to be spoken in the most real way. This word is one that we all need to face without fear but with acknowledgement knowing it exists and people are suffering. As a mother who lost her son, one thing that you must face whether you want to or not is the fact that you think you failed in some way. While Joey would have not wanted me to feel guilt, it is simply a response you cannot get around as a parent. I am learning to face that guilt and understand where that is coming from and how to make my way through it. The guilt, shame, regret and judgement are all places of added pain with suicide. They are the very darkness that pulled at your loved ones mind and you must conquer those and rise above them knowing they are lies that take and do not give. Another feeling you must face is that hole in your heart. As a parent, you nurtured and loved that child for 19 years only to have their life stolen by suicide. Facing the anger and frustration can be challenging. Anger is a stage of grief as we all know but facing the anger you have at suicide and the stigma that allowed your child to hide his pain to that point may be an anger you can use for good. I find that communicating about this to others and starting the conversation may help someone somewhere get help for their pain sooner than Joey did.
Facing the joy is something I relish with deep felt meaning. Some of the heart healing things I have to face through this are the memories and the absolute joy in them, the laughs he brought us in our many adventures and the hope that his story will help others in some way.
Facing the next thing. There are times that simply doing the next thing is the most realistic place you can find yourself. Simply face the next thing.
Observe: You become a keen observer as a griever. It's as if you are on heightened alert. Your senses are heightened to sounds, smells, tastes, sights all just in case your grief will strike as a result. Your environment determines how observant and alert you must be. While alone you are able to somewhat let go of this but in public it is just part of the process. You notice things that just never caught your eye before. While we were up north I noticed a family playing on the beach. The girl was the oldest, probably 6 and there were two other boys, one looked about 4 and a toddler. This was my family playing on the beach at the north shore approximately 16 years ago. For all of you with young families, love on those little ones as much as you can, they are beautiful beings of innocence and joy.
Another thing I have found I must be observant of is my heart and protecting it when I need to. There are times when it is just too much and I have to step back and allow myself to regroup and prepare for this moment. There are moments that in the past I would have been delighted to take part in but at this time it is simply still too difficult. A phrase I recently learned that I will try and use is "I'm sorry I cannot be the friend I want to be or family I want to be". I have limits due to my grief and I am making my way through them but in order to do that safely I must know what I can handle. This is a time in my life that I am dealing with quite a few different burdens simultaneously. I am learning to truly get through what I know I have to when it happens.
Giving In: This one is tough but it helps so much to simply give in to the grief when it merits. Give into the tears while not submitting to the fears. Give into the loss while understanding there may be a gain of helping others. Give into the love all around you while being open and honest with them and yourself through it. Give into the forgiveness that God has taught us through his example. Forgive yourself for anything depression and despair is trying to blame you for... Forgive your child for inflicting this pain while trying to escape his own. Forgive those around you for the small things you now have limited patience with. Give into the love that God brings to your heart through his word. Give into the comfort that God provides you. He is listening and knows your pain and hurts for you. Give into the joy when it comes, laugh loudly when you can. Give into the milestones that happen with your other children as these are the definition of hope and a future. Give into the trials that are coming your way and navigate through them with the faith that God can give us which results in a the peace that surpasses all understanding. Give into the rest. There are moments when you simply must just rest and that may not mean sleep, it may mean just stop your mind and rest, meditate on his word, talk to God in an intimate way pouring it out to him. It is so healing when it comes if you give in and let God carry you through.
I am in a group called griefshare. The materials are really good and are helping me navigate through this. One thing griefshare teaches is that Faith sustains strength in the midst of pain. The Faith allows us to feel the pain knowing that we will see our loved one again. Heaven provides reassurance of the joy in the reunion one day.
Hope: A song that truly represents the hope with the lyrics, every word fitting
Tenth Avenue North: I Have This Hope
Yet another wonderful song that fits: