He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.....I am making everything new!
Revelation 21:4-5
This is a day that is yet another on the journey that is on the bottom side of the roller coaster. We buried Joey today at the Fort Snelling National Cemetery in Bloomington, Minnesota. This cemetery primarily includes veterans who have lived a full life and were buried there with honor. I ask myself how many teen children of military are buried here? Probably not that many and then how many died due to mental illness? Probably even less. It is a place you consistently find yourself. It's that place of isolation with your story. You don't feel as though there are many that can relate. I know that those who have walked this path may have felt this similar isolation because they reach out to me to help me know that this is a path other's have walked. Visions of hope in the despair.
As a Mother, it is hard not to succumb to the despair. it is hard not to let those anxious concerns about your other children bring you down. You must have faith and hope in the future. You must find love, more love than ever for those other children. I don't know what they are going through since I never had that experience of losing a sibling suddenly. I do know that my heart is broken but still full of love for them. It's almost as if your love compounded by concern is like "superlove" You are consistently lifting them up in prayer that God will give them the strength to make it through each day, week, month.
We had a small ceremony at a shelter at Fort Snelling and you can return to the grave two hours later. I chose to do that on my own. I wanted in some way to make sure everything was settled in. There was a temporary grave marker and the stones behind him were for the most part veterans. Veterans from the Vietnam War, Korean War, World War 2 and even the Persian Gulf. What an incredible honor for my son to be laid to rest amongst this vision of strength. It's almost as if he is being given a bear hug by those who defended our freedom. It was reassuring for some reason for me as a mother. Of course, the stone and his urn are just simply a representation of him, He is in a much better place where there is no more pain. This representation is for us. It is for our healing, for our remembrance. We loved him and need to be able to show that and what better way than to be able to visit him in this special place.
I got home from the cemetery and God again showed me comfort in the right moment. Emotions were running pretty high all day. The poor mechanics wife. Joe and I dropped off the car this morning for repair and in her sweet nature she gave me a hug. Today being a pretty heavy day, the tears flow quickly and easily which is okay. That is grief. It doesn't just go away. It's a part of each day, some more than others. Joey's absence was evident today. We were all together as 5 and that is a very real moment that it's evident he's gone. So this evening I return from the cemetery to something special that came in the mail from someone I have never met that has a connection to some who have my story. She included her contact info, a wonderful little book called "Grieving with hope, leaning on Jesus". She also suggested I listen to a message online by Rick and Kay Warren after the loss of their son Matthew to suicide. The message was called "How to get through what you're going through". What a perfect suggestion for the place I was in. Rick Warren said their son Matthew was a young man with a tender heart and a tortured mind. While their story differs a little in that they were very aware of his suffering, it is the same story none the less. He talked about how we all struggle with mental struggles, it's just that some of us have it much worse than others.
Through this darkness, there is light. There are those individuals that just show that light. God is using them to help others with their story. Their story is having a greater purpose and the purpose involves myself. Someday I hope to do the same. I hope to reach these hurting high schoolers and college students that may not feel comfortable saying they need help. I hope the message can be out there readily available for these fragile children heading to adulthood.
This in some ways brings closure. It's a closure that allows us to bring his story here to an end. The end of his book says "to be continued" and it is continuing up in Heaven. He has no struggles in his mind and can let his creativity fly! I smile thinking of him with those who have gone before him. My cousin Jeanette who lost her battle with cancer at the age of 21 when Joey was just a baby. My brother in law Joe who Joey really respected and held in high regard. My cousin Jeff who lost a battle with illness last Friday. Jeff was very funny and played drums incredibly. It brings me comfort on multiple levels. It brings me comfort that they are all together. It also brings me comfort that those affected by their loss have come through it walking by Faith and having hope in the midst of despair.
I found another book that is enjoyable. It is called "with God on your side.....you never have to be alone". It's a collection of poems and verses and inspirational statements put together by Blue Mountain Arts.
Here is a poem that was in there:
Where there is faith,
there is love,
where there is love,
there is peace,
where there is peace,
there is God,
Where there is God,
there is no need.
Leo Tolstoy
There are more bends in the road ahead as that is how this road goes, but with faith, love, peace and above all God, I can get through it.
Today’s song is one I was blessed to see live in concert not long after Joey died.
