Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
If the mountain seems too big today
then climb a hill instead
If the morning brings you sadness
it's okay to stay in bed
If the day ahead weighs heavy
and your plans feel like a curse,
there's no shame in rearranging
don't make yourself feel worse.
If a shower stings like needles
and a bath feels like you'll drown,
if you haven't washed your hair for days,
don't throw away your crown.
A day is not a lifetime
a rest is not defeat,
don't think of it as failure,
just a quiet, kind retreat.
It's ok to take a moment
from an anxious, fractured mind,
the world will not stop turning
while you get realigned.
The mountain will still be there
when you want to try again,
you can climb it in your own time,
just love yourself til' then.
~Laura Ding-Edwards
The photo above is one of our cherished family road trips to Yosemite National Park. It was very crowded that day as it was a weekend so we quickly walked to see El Capitan. There was no way to miss that amazing sight in front of us. As I look at this picture of Joey looking at that mountain in front of him. I often think of how symbolic this photo truly is. A monumental mountain would be placed in Joey's path called Depression. He would take it upon himself to handle it even heading to college with it all the while being pulled down by the dark deceptions that come with the lies of depression. Joey would eventually lose his battle with depression in the spring of 2019 while at college his freshman year.
This would be my formal introduction to Depression and Anxiety and the trend happening in our society. You see, losing a child to suicide does introduce the struggles of anxiety and depression to you as the mother. As much as I know it wasn't my fault, the feeling of failure and shame are these lies that haunt you. While I personally have experienced more of a situational depression, I have witnessed depression signs in other members of our family and had to be a keen observer to their well being and trying to understand depression.
Depression ultimately in my experience involves layers and layers of deception that continue to add to this person's individual struggle. It may be confidence. If you question yourself as a parent, depression convinces you that you have failed on every level. Your mind will convince you that any failure is a confirmation of the ultimate lie.
Battle Belongs song lyric video by Phil Wickham
Suicide Prevention
We currently have a trend that has been getting worse each year. Our young people are turning to suicide. It may be a spontaneous decision they make to deal with a short term problem not comprehending the depth of their response. It may be more of a story like Joey's where this individual tried to handle it on their own feeling more broken along the way. Regardless, what is heartbreaking for me to is to witness these families who are just starting along this very tough path of grief and loss through suicide.
See this article on ABC news regarding a family who lost their child to suicide. I am glad we are getting the message out there and hope this continues.
https://abcnews.go.com/Health/pandemic-takes-toll-young-adults-mental-health-studies/story?id=74675968
We truly need to talk to our kids about suicide. You are not introducing the thought of suicide to your child, you are preventing the ultimate tragedy of suicide in their future by educating them on what it looks like for those who love them. Explain that depression and anxiety are a normal part of so many individuals paths and young people especially are deeply affected by this. It is my concern that many turn to social media to help them through a crisis and unfortunately that is simply not the depth of support needed for them to be okay. I can personally tell you that if you are feeling down or anxious, the social media status posts can be excruciating. It is of course no fault of anyone posting it but it's that deception again in the mind of the depressed person just trying to convince them of that ultimate lie.
Below you will find a video I happened upon while watching an NFL game. Hayden Hurst has come out to tell his story and help others. It can affect anyone. Hayden Hurst set up a foundation to fight suicide.
Last spring there was a video that went viral done by Brad Hunstable. He unexpectedly lost his son Hayden Hunstable to suicide after getting upset over breaking his monitor.
Almost 13 video made by the Hunstable family to help prevent suicide. For those of us who have lived it, this empowers us to keep going, keep fighting, and keep talking. This video is not easy to watch. It may make you uncomfortable which is normal. This is a topic we just prefer not to talk about. Death and loss are uncomfortable and when you add suicide and children, it's just easier on everyone if we don't talk about it. But, easier is not better.
Almost Thirteen by the Hunstable Family
This family set up a foundation to fight suicide.
Ideation: what is it?
A term I was not familiar with until Joey was suicidal ideation. Sadly it is when a person who has contemplated suicide becomes fixated on it. They actively research and plan. Ideation is a very dangerous place to be. Depression is winning if ideation is present. For our young people I think with the online access, ideation has become so much more accessible. If I would have had access to Joey's notebooks for school that we found from his dorm room, I would have known he was in big trouble. They contained many writings and drawings that defined suicidal ideation. How do we help someone who has suicidal ideation? It's tough especially if like Joey, they are legally an adult. There was recently an article in People magazine that gave some tips on how to approach this. One thing I have learned is not to say, "you'll get over it" or "other people have it worse than you". These are statements that just trigger those lies in their mind getting worse. If you say "you'll get over it", their depression mind response will be, "I'll never get over it and they'll never understand which is why I have to..." If you say, "other people have it worse", they will think the same because their deeply hidden pain and the mask they have to wear each day to cover it is a huge burden to carry.
Building Resilience. I recently came across this article on the afsp share your story page. This sister shares how it feels to be a sibling of a brother lost to suicide and for her in a culture that cannot accept that type of loss. I have heard a few stories personally like this in groups with whom I belong. I remember one experience where the family actually had a funeral for the college student and the suicide was kept completely silent out of shame. I cannot imagine the burden that mother must have to carry with both the shame silence due to the stigma along with the trauma of the loss.
Article about building resilience. https://afsp.org/story/building-resilience-in-my-children-after-losing-my-brother-to-suicide?fbclid=IwAR3YsOZIgZGJiYlDjcthzxt4bCj701JNP0KX8VhwM2mHwoMZvEAbQ0VT2DQ
Know your truth
And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32
It is so important to know your truth. Understand thoughts and where they are coming from. I was raised in a family of faith with a firm foundation grounded in Biblical truths. I never waivered on my Faith in Jesus but I did wonder why this was all happening to me. With these biblical truths come hope, faith and light. Jesus loved us and showed it in the most sacrificial way. God watched his son suffer and die for our sins. It may be a struggle but finding Hope is the first step.
There was a suicide loss Mom who was writing about how she had to put post it's all around her bed with directives on what to do next. Get up. Take a shower. Get dressed. Eat breakfast. Why would someone have to do that? If you are battling with hopelessness (depression) these things are monumental tasks that need post its. But with each post it task accomplished, hope increases. Small steps, realistic goals, moving forward.
That spring of 2019, there were many things weighing heavily on me. My parents and their struggles and then Joey. It all seemed to crash at once. I remember taking my other kids to therapy soon after Joey and the therapist telling us that your other children are now at increased risk for suicide. It almost brings you to your knees realizing everything you once thought was certain simply is no longer. It was me and my Faith in that moment.
I was brought to my knees in prayer. God shows me Hope through my children.
Hope: My daughter Jacque was in her senior year at Mankato State university when she lost her brother to suicide. He had just come to stay with her for a couple nights a couple weeks before he died. She and her brother were very close and checked in often like all my kids. That week she couldn't eat, sleep, or even do school that next week. Her professors worked with her and unbelievably she conquered that mountain in front of her and graduated in May. That is HOPE.
Hope: Marc was devastated by the loss of his brother, his best friend. Marc asked immediately for help, he wanted therapy he knew he was in trouble with the loss of Joey. Marc started playing guitar and taking lessons a few months after Joey. He is now making some of his own music. He also had put on some weight and his self esteem was at an all time low. We simply offered all we could but I could see his battle with hopelessness happening right before me. We did see a change when he got a job at the old movie theater and really enjoyed it but he has since lost that job due to the pandemic. In August Marc was determined to try and lose weight on his own with a change in his eating habits. He has lost over 62 lbs and it is obvious he is seeing light and hope. That is HOPE.
Hope can be present in the smallest way. The smallest glimmer of light in darkness. It is there. Set realistic expectations and find that tiny light waiting to shine in the darkness.
Know your lies
In our society one of the biggest lies is the one that says you should measure up to everyone you see on social media or even out and about. It's a very hard concept for us not to want to be more. Our fast paced material driven society teaches us that from a young age. It is truly a lie. You need to find your own place. I want everyone to know each of them are wonderfully made a unique gift from above with their own things to offer this world. The lies of depression and society tell us we are not enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, not organized enough, not athletic enough, etc. Teaching our youth that expressing their gifts in their way is more than enough. My children inherited an artistic eye from their father. Each of them have that artistic talent whether in music, drawing, photography, they have a way to express their journeys both good and bad. I have encouraged them to use those gifts to journey through their grief. I enjoy writing and have found it to be very therapeutic. For our family, I am able to find help in my healing seeing their artistic expressions or hearing it. I often benefit from other parents who have lost a child. The photo above of Joey with Jesus was done by a fellow angel mom who tragically lost her son and is now helping others who have experienced loss. It absolutely amazes me these loss survivors who just want to help a fellow griever. In some ways it's unheard of, how can you possibly think about someone else when you are in the depths of the valley yourself? I will tell you how. That is the light, that light inside you that wants to shine and be love for someone. Once you have experienced your story, you are drawn to help others.
For me, Joey would want others helped. He would not want others to experience what he did. His pain took over his story and took his light.
One of the lies I was struggling with early on was that my children were pulling away because of what happened to our family. My therapist helped me often by asking how different would they be acting if he was still here? I then realize our children were growing older, entering adulthood anyway so that could be a big part of the independence. I now always remember that and need to offer any support I can to get them through their race.
Below is a brave music video done by the band For King and Country. I am so appreciative of them taking the risk and putting the suicide story into their video. I believe this could be impactful for young people.
Know your triggers
I can say in the past I had trouble saying no as I liked to please people. I am now finding in grief there are times when No simply must be said. There are certain things that can be trauma triggers and if that is the case, say no. It is okay to say no. If the person you are saying no to cannot handle it, then they simply don't understand your current path and that is okay. I learned a valuable tool from my therapist early on. Using the phrase, "I am sorry I cannot be the friend I want to be right now". It is a valid truth. I pray through most of these situations and if it is something I know I cannot handle I find such peace in expressing my needs.
Know your light
Be a light and know your light. Where does your help come from? If you are having a conversation about suicide and how to prevent it with someone, ask them about their light. What makes their light shine?
There is a light from above, a light from around and a light inside yourself. Each one offers help in a dark time. I am slowly learning about each of these and how to use them all together to get through trials of many kinds. Being open, honest and vulnerable for me has helped my light continue to shine. But I can tell you my family is not the same as me in that respect. They are very private and are not comfortable talking about our story with others. It was hard for me at first to understand them and not be worried but in grief everyone is on their own path. In our family our paths intersect occasionally but we are all learning to understand what grief looks like for the individual and how we can simply be present for each other when needed.
Where do you find the light that helps you through? Church, Prayer, Nature, Music, a walk, coffee with a friend? Know where your help comes from and acknowledge it to yourself. Know when you need help and where to find it.
There are still many unknowns coming my way with the many things my family is experiencing. My brother a recent widower and my parents and their struggles with Alzheimer's and Dementia. I have come to expect the unexpected and just do the next thing.
Let us not
be surprised when we have
to face difficulties.
When the wind blows hard on a tree
the roots stretch
and grow stronger
Let it be so with us.
Let us not be weaklings,
yielding to every wind that blows,
but strong in spirit to resist.
~Amy Carmichael
As my family experiences our first hiking vacation without Joey, we are learning to adjust. For Joe and I it is very evident that the hiker who often made it to the top first was no longer with us. Joey would want us to keep going and so we do. Getting through that mountain in front of us in our own ways heading towards the light.
This song has been meaningful for me in those moments where I just simply submit to the realization that I cannot control what happens. I can control my decisions and my reactions but no one else's. I let go and let God.
Face to face song lyric Natalie Grant
Talk about it. Find your light and shine it bright! Know your truth and see the love it can bring.
You are loved!