Come to Me, all of you take up my yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-29
If there is one thing that helps you witness the change in seasons in the midwest, it is a tree. We are truly blessed to witness the ways a tree must adapt in order to survive. Trees for me represent so much. The strength in their roots holding them steady and strong on a windy day. The way they feed off of a good rain or snow melt. The spring reveals such a beauty of leaves and blossoms that fill their branches. The tree a symbol of strength. There may even be a tree that has been hit by lightning on a branch and you can see the tree loses that branch but often is able to grow back to a full blossoming tree that provides shelter for the foliage underneath it. The tree has to weather every season with many changes through each and every one. Grief through any loss can be similar to all the changes in seasons experienced by a tree.
As I approach this fall season in grief, it is proving to be difficult. October is the start of a higher level of grief for anyone who has had a major change in the previous year that involves any sort of change. It could be a loss of a relationship or even finances. The grief happens in the loss of what once was and is now changed. If you have suffered a loss of a loved one, you have vivid memories attached to this time of year. October is the start of many fun filled holiday memories that celebrated family and togetherness. It is a very busy time for many with the hustle and bustle of all the traditions families have created around these times. Family gathers together and sometimes it is the one time a year they see each other.
There was an interesting thing I noticed when I attended my suicide loss support group last month. They read all the names of those we are honoring that month and October was the biggest month of any so far since I joined this group in May. Why would that be?
For me I am able to see many perspectives now that I didn't have before. I think back to the excitement this time of year brought to our family over the years. The shopping for Christmas, the creative costumes at Halloween the great food and family togetherness at Thanksgiving. All joyous times anticipating the traditions together. This excitement even made that cold season change part of the excitement with the leaves all falling and the snowflakes coming down.
Think about it now from the griever's perspective. This person is trying to maintain normalcy for the other family members but everything involved is a grief trigger as it links them to their loss. It may be unpacking those ornaments or putting up the lights to surprise the college student returning home.
If you are have someone in your family experiencing a loss, my advice would be to not have expectations of that person. They may make it to that day but may also need to have some alone time to release those emotions before making an appearance. They may agree to something and then back out of it later. For me personally any tradition that we have that honors Joey is one that will bring me comfort. One thing I may do is purchase gifts for his siblings from him. He wasn't great at shopping yet but I know what he would have gotten as he had a sense of humor. If I can somehow honor my son through these days with him gone, it helps me to know the he isn't forgotten.
I wrote a poem this past weekend just working through my grief.
In all the tears of missing you I’m thankful for our time So many boyhood memories that shine brightly in my mind
I’m thankful for the moment I held you in my arms Not knowing your journey would end too soon and we would be apart
I’m thankful for the moment you took those early steps Such pride as a mother watching that focus you kept
I’m thankful for those first words you said with such certainty Hearing Mom and Dad from you brought such love to me
I’m thankful for that day you read your very first book Learning on your own with words rarely you mistook
I’m thankful for the gift of drawing you showed at a young age A gift that you often went back to through many a growing stage
I’m thankful for your diligence when it came to fitness goal Whether it was running pull ups or sports you worked hard on every road
I’m thankful for your kindness you showed to others well It wasn’t until you left us that so many told this tale
I’m thankful for the love our family had with you The pain in grief is evident wishing you could have gotten through
I’m thankful for the adventures we shared together close Adventures across this great land will be cherished the very most
I’m thankful for that little boy God blessed us with that day A boy with life ahead of him still innocent of the pain
I’m thankful for the joys you had and smiles through the years While those memories are here forever they do bring joy in tears
I’m thankful for the boy we had who grew to such a man A man of kind integrity just trying to get through his stand
Standing clearly hard some days putting on the mask Covering the pain that proved an agonizing task
I’m thankful for this weary heart only a grieving mother knows It represents my love for you and it’s okay for that to show
I’m thankful for the times we had though shorter than I had hoped Those moments I can promise you I will never let go
I’m thankful for the stories of you other people share It helps acknowledge the fact that you were really there.
I’m thankful for the boy who went to Heaven first It’s never what I expected but I’m reminded it could be worse
I’m thankful for the comfort that God brings me through his word Knowing we will be together again someday help control the blur
I’m thankful for this valley as it’s teaching me so much I’m learning how to help others who need Gods loving touch
See God is walking with me on this unexpected road He saw me through that heartache the day you were called home
I'm thankful for the boy God blessed those 19 years We honor who you were and will always be family