For with God nothing shall be impossible.
Luke 1:37
I often feel drawn to write just to express myself and where I fall in the path of grief that comes with loss. I recently returned home after being gone for over a month helping my parents relocate. While that was challenging in it's own way, it was a distraction from the moment that I found myself in as a grieving mother. The visual triggers were far from me there not in my own home and not being where Joey's childhood took place. Returning home has in a way been pressing a play button. Everything again feels very real and raw. It's so interesting because this community is truly incredibly supportive and I am blessed beyond measure for that. It is so evident that there is someone missing in this house. It is that reality that we must get through knowing we will see him again one day.
Loss
Definition: The harm or prevation resulting from separation.
One book I listened to while out west was a book called "A Grief Disguised". I also listened to other books, historical biographies I found helpful hearing other's stories of those who made it through great trials. The author in "A Grief Disguised" describes very well the feeling of loss and using faith to get through it yet not diminishing the level of that loss.
Loss is something that takes on a very real perspective when you are in my shoes. All loss instills pain to the one who is experiencing it. It is a separation from something or someone you once knew. You must process that separation and prepare yourself for it being no longer there. It is a separation from someone or something so familiar to you so you must learn to go on without. It can be so painful to experience it knowing what could have been and seeing what once was. Suicide loss tends to add to that sense of loss due to how isolated those suicide loss survivors feel.
With the very sad recent news of the shootings, I found myself just broken hearted for all those who lost a loved one that day not knowing that was going to happen. i even found myself sympathetic for the shooters family. This is not an immediate response I may have had in the past but being the parent of a young man who took his own life which is a decision that cannot be undone I think about those young men and when their life took this turn. I think about those parents and the trauma they are experiencing knowing the life lost at the hands of their child. It's just a new perspective I guess.
Time
Definition: The measurable period in which an action, process exists or continues.
"It will get better with time"
I really with this were true. While time does put space between you and that initial shocking traumatic grief, it also allows your mind to often think. It is true that time gives you longer grieving moments to process what you are going through.
Time does not stop the tears or fix the heartbreak. That is just part of who I am at this point. It is just my new normal. The new normal I have is a normal where my beautiful son Joey who I loved dearly took his own life. I acknowledge him and remember him with joyous memories in my mind. Joey's final moments are not what his life represented to me. He was a kind young man who cared about others and that is what I hold on to. With those memories come a bit of joy thinking of him. If you see me, you are welcome to mention him. It is refreshing to hear Joey stories. It reassures me that he was the man we knew as well. With suicide there are times the darkness wants you to think otherwise.
Time also triggers memories. Depending on the time of year. Currently it is August and all the college dorm stuff is in stores and many parents are excitedly getting ready to drop off their loved one at school. It was a year ago that I was that parent so excited for my child's future and the bright one he had ahead. I was shopping for him finding all those dorm room gadgets that someone creative invented. I remember ordering him a wrap around velcro waist towel which might have been pushing it too far because there was no way he was taking that thing with him to school. We were getting ready to push our son out of the nest in a way but as I have said many times his wings were broken, he wasn't quite ready to fly. We just were not a part of that struggle.
Time allows for thought. There are many moments that you are alone with your thoughts on this journey. The thoughts with this loss tend to be nagging thoughts of the past and how it could have been different. It is at this time that I truly must turn to God in prayer. He knows my pain and does comfort the hurting heart when I have it. With these thoughts pain and tears do happen and will for years to come. There are also moments of thought that help you look with depth at those around you. You now see things you never saw before and do your best to try and understand them and see them.
Time doesn't fix the heartbreak. Losing a son like this breaks a parents heart in a way I am not sure anyone can prepare for. It is especially personal so your heart hurts still for that child. Some ask me if I am angry at my son for what he did to our family. I would have to say my heart in it's current state does not have room for anger, just devastation and disappointment because that is what I felt. There are times with suicide where anger does happen but I am just not there. He was never any sort of challenge for us as parents so we didn't have warning really much at all. My heart is still broken and will be forever but my hope is that with every person his story helps, the heart healing will happen.
Strength
Definition: the capacity of exertion or endurance
There is a level of strength one must draw from when it comes to loss. You have to because life goes on all around you as does responsibility and family obligations. These are all what keeps you going knowing that the sun comes up so you must do the same. As a young mother there are times I can remember being so tired with the babies not having much sleep but needing to wake up and take care of things with the young one. It's somewhat that same innate strength you draw from to get through a crisis. God knows what we can handle and we must draw that strength from him to get through our struggles.
I find poetry very healing when my grief wave strikes. This is a poem I wrote recently.
The Ache
Oh the pain how I feel it deep within my heart
A pain that makes it clear we are for now apart
Oh the longing how I feel it deep within my soul
A longing for your future and all your accomplished goals
Oh the tears how I feel them deep within my eyes
Tears passed on by your suffering and the lack of a goodbye
Oh the memories how I hold onto them so vividly and clear
Remembering the good times we had when you were here
Oh the joy how I see it in that little boy
A son gone too soon that the fear did destroy
Oh the anger how I feel it against the stigma that you faced
One that creates suffering in every single case
Oh the sounds how I still hear them, hearing you nearby
The laughter that made me smile now brings on a cry
Oh the images I grasp them each and every day
Those photos capturing your life in so many joyful ways
Oh the peace how I feel it knowing where you are
Seeing you again someday though now it seems so far
Oh the why's how I battle them each and every day
Wishing you could have told us in any possible way
Oh the ache how I get it now a struggle from within
learning how to walk this path and learning where to begin
Oh the God that I rely on to carry me through
This journey of faith in trials always something I knew
He knows my every pain and feels my every ache
My God knows what I can handle and how much I can take
While I cannot explain this path for me at this very time
I know my God can use me to let his spirit shine.
One song that I find very helpful when I am down is "Just be held" by Casting Crowns.
Each day is a step forward on this journey and every blessing I have is one I cherish and know was placed there for a purpose.