Ps 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.
We all know someone who may have had a struggle or continues in their struggle this very day. I would encourage you to simply be present in their struggle validating how hard it must be day in and day out.
Joey’s journey with mental illness started in high school unbeknownst to us. He kept a journal which I found in his room and he was trying so hard to navigate this on his own. Sadly the stigma he put on himself as well as what he thought the response would be due to societal stigma created for him a task far greater than he was capable of handling.
I can say that I had it pretty easy until Joey passed. Experiencing that stinging stigma was really a second layer in my grief and loss. If you know someone who has experienced a loss that can include societal judgment, I challenge you to rise above that thought process. For those of us in the valley of the loss, it takes so much more energy to educate others about recognizing the stigma in themselves. I found with Joey’s situation, there were both assumptions of weakness or a faith not strong enough. One from outside the church and one from inside the church. Both clear evidence of compassion lost in judgment. I think it often is a defense mechanism to avoid our own fears of “that” happening to us. If we find an avoidance in our “reason” response, we can somewhat assure to ourselves that “won’t be me”. I felt the whispers, I saw the looks but on the flipside I also felt the empathy and experienced the love. Within grief though, finding energy to navigate the added stigma sometimes made me feel like I was walking through quicksand with a weighted backpack. Some difficult questions that did happen early on from others were “why?” or “how?”. While I know there is no way to avoid these questions when it comes to suicide in some minds but it is best they are left unsaid. We as a family are in a grueling mental wrestling match with the “why” at that point and the how regardless of the answer is a trauma trigger. While I know it’s not the case, if tempted to ask a question, ask yourself if that same question would be asked if someone lost a child to cancer or lost an elderly parent. If not, it’s best not to ask. If you are a present empathetic friend, both the person grieving and you will be blessed.
I can recall what I consider a teachable moment in this journey recently. I had a friend leading a grief group and happened to be nearby for another commitment one evening. She always lets me “crash” the discussion time which I appreciate. I briefly shared my reason for grief and when the meeting ended a woman wanted to introduce herself. She wasn’t there about the loss she wanted to discuss as that was years ago. Both she and her husband had lost their older brothers to suicide when they were 17. Her husband’s family was so ashamed they took everything connected to that brother out of the home including photos never to mention his name again. Her family was the complete opposite and treasured the memories of their son. She said her mom even had presents from him under the tree. It is now a gift she has to help her adult husband years later process the emotion and grief that he just couldn’t allow himself to express at that time. What a blessing that they found each other, that in itself is such a gift. But what a stigma fallout story. Hiding the suicide is not uncommon due to shame, embarrassment, guilt, etc all just increased with the stigma. There are cultures from outside the US who either lie about the manner of death to cover it up or completely disregard the person ever existed. The outcome of not allowing your family to grieve a loved one or friend due to the manner of their death is not okay and will eventually cause more hurt than healing.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Mental Illness is not something anyone chooses. It also may be at a level that this person needs someone further involved like a licensed therapist of psychiatrist. In the age of social media and access to information instantly, it can be a challenging struggle to try and carry this on your own even if you have a very strong faith. Asking for help is not different than asking for help for a medical condition that your doctor would normally assist with.
If you or someone you know needs help and has not been able to ask for help due to either their own self imposed stigma or a stigma they are experiencing from others, please make them feel safe and heard. Refer them to a therapist. I saw a wonderful therapist at Water’s Edge In Burnsville, Minnesota and she helped me process through a lot of my confusion, situational depression, anxiety following the loss of Joey and the decline of my parents.
There is also a wonderful nationwide program at many churches called Stephen Ministry. Stephen Ministers are trained lay persons who come along side a care receiver to help them process through a challenging time of life. Stephen ministers go through extensive training to prepare them to be a fully present caregiver for someone who needs to be heard.
Finally if you or someone you know is in danger of suicide or needs to talk to someone urgently for their own safety. Dial 988 or text 741741.