Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the by the power of the Holy Spirit
Romans 15:13
I moved to Minnesota with Joe in 1997 from Southern California. We moved in the month of February and what a shock to my system. There was snow everywhere and it had obviously been there for a while. My first March in Minnesota gave me a picture of what March represents, the start of the melt off. It is a time of year that we midwesterners look forward to. It is a sign of life returning after winter. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and the snow is melting. For our family the last day of March represents Joe's birthday and is usually around spring break from school so it's always an exciting time.
We now look at March of 2019 when the month took a very different turn from the usual happy excitement of winter ending. That March represented a life gone too soon due to suicide. It meant new pain and anguish for my family that we had not experienced before. Thus, March presents a challenge now, the excitement of springing forward while still acknowledging that unexpected fall back last March.
Falling Back in 2019
The valleys found in suicide loss are new. Suicide loss introduces so many unexpected responses for a grieving parent. I have never experienced depression but now am very familiar with the haunting thoughts that come with it. Whether it is situational or long term, the thoughts are often similar. With suicide there is guilt, regret and shame.
The guilt, regret and shame are just part of the valley and part of the scars we are left with. It is important that we acknowledge the feelings but understand the place they are coming from. As much as we want to take responsibility for someone else's life, that life was not our responsibility. Joey was a beautiful son who faced unfortunate circumstances and environmental factors that led to his suicide. I was proud to be his mother for those 19 years and would not trade a moment of it but I work hard not holding onto fault in this journey.
There are so many moments that mean so much more now. Those moments that bring back a vivid memory are now moments of deep joy, a longing joy but joy none the less. There are also those breathtaking moments that catch you off guard. I can tell you initially it was these moments that brought on the heavy tears and the need to step away. I now am able to pause and remember but get through it. I suppose you become accustomed to them.
Springing Forward with Gratitude
Grateful and Blessed? It was about 5 years ago when I decided that my living room wall which had floral pictures on it needed to be updated with family roadtrip pictures since we had so many incredible memories. I painted the wall and added all sorts of fun road trip memories with the word blessed in the center made out of metal. That wall was very hard to look at last March. How can I possibly call this blessed? While it is still a struggle, I am able to find gratitude in things I never appreciated before. The February sunrise as I pull into a parking spot at work, the evidence of life all around, my other children and their big hearts and so much more. I am so blessed with so many connections with friends and family that have helped me greatly through this valley. There are connections I have made with other suicide loss parents who have helped me understand this very challenging path. If I continue to "count my blessings", maybe just maybe it will lessen the pain.
Laughter
I am so grateful for laughter and that I can still experience it. It has always been an important part of my life and my family's life. Being able to simply laugh can bring such a release.
Springing Forward with GRIT
As I entered the role of a suicide loss parent, I found myself researching facts, finding any answers I could so many questions. In the process I felt so led to use this story to fight, fight for kids like Joey out there who need to be told long before they ever leave for college that it is okay to not be okay. I want them to understand when they need to get help before they find themselves in such a dark place, they cannot get out. In this need to advocate I reached out to other suicide loss families who have started foundations out of their experience. A member of the Hanna4hope foundation spent a while on the phone with me explaining what they do for high schools in the Dallas area to educate teens on suicide awareness and prevention all in the name of their daughter Hanna. https://www.hanna4hope.com/about.
Tobymac is a Christian singing artist who lost his 21 year old son last October not to suicide but a sudden death regardless. He is touring in concert and a friend and I were able to attend last night. Toby came out before he started his concert to address the crowd regarding the loss of his son. He talked about how dark this time is for his family but they know they will see him again in Heaven. He then went on to give an energetic highly entertaining concert. I am sure his son would have been proud. He showed such Grit.
There is Kevin Polky with the Shatter our Silence foundation. Kevin is someone who has used his son's story to bring light to darkness all over our country on military bases, in churches and for staff and students at schools. https://shatteroursilence.org/author/kevinp/
I recently came across this video from an American Idol Audition last March ironically. This is Nick Townsend spreading the awareness of suicide loss with his story.
Staying Grounded
It is important on our grief path to do the best we can to stay grounded by being humble and authentic. Humility is a trait that can get lost in this social media age. I would encourage everyone to make an effort to be humble. Kindness would just naturally happen if that were the case.
Authenticity is also so important in remaining grounded. I recently was introduced to some Brene Brown quotes on vulnerability. "vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage" ~Brene Brown
Jesus was a humble man who approached each person with love and a message of hope. He taught us to be humble and help us understand true forgiveness.
Forgiveness is something that takes daily effort for me. Forgiving myself and my son for what happened.
I encourage everyone out there to find gratitude, grit and your grounding in your valley. Use that to Spring forward to the next step. We simply need to just do what's next. Do it with truth and humility. These next two songs were sang at the Tobymac concert and the words couldn't be more accurate.
Maybe it's Ok- We are messengers
Beloved- Jordan Feliz
One year ago Joey was home for Spring Break and we were going skiing. I was so far away from his story in that moment. Talk to your kids, tell them Joey's story.......help them understand it is safe to tell you they are struggling and need help.
If your child is still struggling, there are numerous resources.
Locally...just a couple....
Water's Edge Counseling Center in Burnsville
Treehouse of Hope (ending hopelessness in teens) https://treehousehope.org/