Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5
Today I returned from Oceanside, CA to Shakopee, MN after helping get my parents situated for their relocation to a senior living facility. It was somewhat of a distracting break from my raw grief I was experiencing at home. With the perspective I now have, those moments spent with my parents are cherished precious moments because tomorrow just isn't always certain. They had lots of joy to give and were so gracious in accepting help. I was able to head down to the ocean a few times which is just such a comfort for the soul. The sound of the waves crashing over and over again. The beauty revealed when the tide is out and the shells left behind. The evidence of the strength that the sea carries, a strength that gives me Peace knowing God has got this.
One of the best memories I have about the ocean as a kid is getting through the waves to the deeper part where it's less white wash and more of these calmer floater waves. I can remember mom and I on air mattresses in Hawaii just floating in the ocean gently bouncing up and down. The only tough part is sometimes you have to work pretty hard to get out there as some of those white wash waves are trying to push you back but you just have to continue to move through them staying steady on your feet using your legs even swinging your arms. It's as if your whole body is needed to get through them.
The Waves of Grief are so similar. There are both easier waves and tougher ones.
Some of the floater waves involve Joy, Remembering and even Peace in a way.
The wave of Joy is still a natural feeling I do have. It's the joy of celebrating the other children and all they are accomplishing despite their loss. It's the joy in laughing with friends. I truly believe laughter helps to heal a hurting heart. In a way, you start to experience joy with even the smallest things like a butterfly or a beautiful blooming flower. The ocean itself brings joy, almost a cleansing joy with the waves, the salt in the air and the sounds of all the birds who cherish what it provides.
Memories. The wave can go both ways. There are times that you are looking at photos or see a familiar location that involved him and it hits you, it hits you pretty hard. Seeing the photos of that happy boy. Photos of his sheer joy, those make me smile. My mother is a lover of photos so there were many many photos of our family that I had sent her from Minnesota. She keeps them all and even made copies of them. She kept every letter, every drawing. I would normally suggest you not keep all that stuff but I will say I am glad she kept them.
Peace. It's hard to say that there is a Peace but at this point in Grief you have accepted the result and are working through it. There is a peace at his gravesite, It is a beautiful place that holds so much honor. Everyone present there is there honoring their loved one they lost. It's an actual representation of love.
The tougher waves of grief are not quite as easy to get through. They are those white wash waves you sometimes need your whole body to get through.
Despair. This one can truly pull you all the way back to the shore if you let it knock you down. It's almost the haunting wave of grief. It's the what could have been's, the why's, the anger. If you let it, you can almost relate anything to this wave. It is hard not to let it convince you that everything around you is evidence of hopelessness but that is not the case. There is actually hope. Instead of seeing a family and saying to myself, "he could have had a family one day"...I have to say "I'm so grateful he was my happy little child just like those children are". You must consciously make an effort to redirect it into the right direction. There is another thing that can pull you down and it is a common one with suicide. It is others who may struggle with the topic or want to find reasoning in your loss. It is okay to just listen and offer love and compassion with empathy.
Gary Roe has lots of helpful suggestions when it comes to getting lost in the despair.
www.garyroe.com
Worry. Worry is a one of those waves that can be a double wave. With the ocean occasionally there is another hidden wave behind the first one and you don't have time to prepare for it when you see it because you are recovering from the first wave. Worry can be this type of wave. Anxiety over the uncertainty around you can cause you to get pushed all the way to the shore by this wave as well. It seems at times worries are contagious. One worry usually connects to another and all of the sudden you find yourself consumed by worry. The key to this wave for me is FAITH. I must lay down my burdens and he will carry me. As mom was sitting in the garage with me going through her stuff which was causing a lot of stress. This song was playing in the background. She and I just started singing it together. It was as if we were both being carried in that moment as we always have been. We don't need to try and carry it all ourselves. Some practical ways to battle worry is to stay active. Find creative outlets and even things with purpose. This will fulfill a need within you.
Sadness. Sadness is more of a constant medium to strong wave. It doesn't necessarily knock me down but it pushes against me. I am able to recover pretty well from this wave but I often don't know when it's coming. The tears for me generally happen when I am not distracted and have to face the loss directly. Being in California staying with a friend took me away from the house and the constant visual reminders. Facing sadness is healthy for me. My tears flow when they flow and I have to let that happen. Those tears mean something. They are expressions of my love and so it helps in a way to release them.
The waves they continue and like I saw on a shirt today in the airport....KEEP ON GOING. Keep on going, get past those waves, get to the floaters.