Psalm 27:13-14 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be STRONG, and let your heart take COURAGE; WAIT for the LORD!
This time of year seems to be challenging remembering all those first days of school, school clothes shopping, the excitement of a new school year and what that would bring. I also see the football players and think back to my football player and those moments when I was sitting in a chair cheering for that kid out on the field. Remembering nearly one year ago dropping Joey off at college.
Joey walking NDSU campus during college drop off with his proud brothers Marc and Luke. 8/18/18
Moments of Value
Each day in grief is a journey and it is tough to know where you will find yourself into that day. There are times you wake up and are feeling that emotion just knowing upon waking up that it is still real and your child is still gone. There are other times you somehow wake up with more peace about you. I do find that on some days there are circumstances that completely open the wound again unknowingly. This recently happened to me while I was attending an excellent training on Crisis Preparedness and Prevention. The training was filled with details that were so relevant for me. While I hadn't expected it, suicide was a topic and at the mention of it along with the startling statistics, my emotions couldn't be held. It was very difficult but at the same time I wanted to be there wanted to know how to advocate for these children that other's may not see. Later that day while still in the training an individual who was a big part of Joey's high school journey touched base with me giving me some news that took me back up that rollercoaster ride of grief. This was a moment of sheer joy knowing Joey's story may actually be something that triggered help for others. This meant so much and was truly a moment of value. I also believe this was God's comfort being brought to me in a pretty low time. Each moment is one that requires effort, that effort is just to make sure you are not an emotional mess. This last weekend was the one year mark from dropping that happy confident child off at college but little did I know what a mask that was he wore for us. It's just such an intense emotion of joy and pride a year ago that is now the opposite feeling of sadness and devastation. It's a strange swing to take when it comes to even the thought of the dorm room and helping him get it all set up meeting his roommate only to now know that room is the definition of sadness and pain. I value each and every one of these moments. I did not have to step foot in that dorm room again which is a good thing. I was happy helping him unpack and meeting his roommates sweet family. It was almost hopefully reassuring in a way. As I have said before make sure when you drop off your child at college, have them sign a release for both HIPPA and FERPA if possible. This will simply allow you to access their treatment if they ever seek help like my son did.
The Simplicity of Innocence
It does now bring me joy to remember that sweet happy child and all those childhood memories we have from him. I smile and truly appreciate any story you may have about my son. I was recently told that at one of his jobs the guys would now mention what Joey would have done. That made me so proud to know that he was a good worker and they could rely on him. It again reassures me that he was the son I knew as well. Joey had a kind heart and truly spent so much quality time with his brother Marc even after he left for school he was consistently communicating with his brother. He loved to tease his brother who isn't one for fashion. Joey used to cover Marc's eyes and make Marc tell him what shirt he was wearing. Marc could rarely do it. These stories make me smile. While there may be tears with that smile, they are still moments I relish. One other story that makes me smile even giggle was little Joey in the front yard in his vikings uniform with helmet and all. He would watch football follies videos and be in the front yard re enacting "mess ups" thinking they were a huge play. He would also be in his cozy coupe in the front yard and pretend it was a monster truck. He would even attempt to roll it then get out and like Dennis Anderson get out of his "truck" (coupe) and give the okay symbol. There was so much joy in that childhood innocence. The simplicity of childhood innocence is such a comfort. We are experiencing an innocence similar to that with our new puppy. We have never had a puppy before but decided now was the time. She was a rescue and is a sweet dog. It's a joy to welcome Penny to our family.
Luke was able to make a heart for Joey's headstone out of legos. I won't leave it there but bring it each time I visit. I am fairly certain his hands touched those legos.
God's clear and constant presence
I truly believe God is there for me through every step of this journey. He watch the suffering of his child and so I know he knows my pain. I often just reach out when those moments of despair are just too much. There are some days that provide distractions like being busy at home or work but there are other days when it is real and there. I need God's presence through it all. Through it all his eyes are on me and I simply just need to make sure my eyes are on him. There was a moment recently that I truly felt God with me. I try to go visit the grave every couple weeks. In a way I feel close to his memory when I am there. I have decided to bring Joey's childhood bible with me and simply open it to a passage and read it out loud and then listen to any recent comforting music I have found. I opened the bible to Psalm 31 that day and this day had been a tough one for me when it came to emotion. Weekends tend to be that way for some reason. This passage was one I could have written myself crying out to God for comfort in my distress. How perfect a moment of comfort he brought to me through his words.
Psalm 31:7-9
7I will rejoice and be glad in Your faithful love because You have seen my affliction. You have known the troubles of my life 8Â and have not handed me over to the enemy. You have set my feet in a spacious place.
9 Be gracious to me, Lord, because I am in distress; my eyes are worn out from angry sorrow— my whole being[c] as well.
Purposeful Prayer
I can honestly say when it comes to grief at this level it is hard to pray. It is hard to put into words what you need from God. At times it is as if you just give him your heart and the emotion that comes with it and he will guide you through that time. Life here is tough. There is good and evil all around and we must just consciously choose good. I heard a quote at church this last Sunday which is such truth. Life can be war sadly. I feel as though I am in somewhat of a battle now. Our family is being deeply affected by the loss from suicide. I believe that suicide is truly the opposite of good in our society and world. It is sadly when mental illness convinces you of all the lies that come from darkness. Suicide inflicts deep pain on those left behind, it's almost like an oil spill that seeps back into the family in small ways here and there and isn't ever going to be gone. Life is a battle. One app I downloaded is called fighter verses. It is a memory verse a day that you can just have on your phone. You can even fill in the blank or listen to the verse audio. There are many creative options to get that verse in your mind.
"We cannot know what prayer is for until we know that life is war" John Piper
Hope in the heartache
What good can possibly come of this? The incredible other moms who I have connected with across the country who have walked this path with me or are further along on the path. There is hope knowing that his story may instill help for others, help he never had or was exposed to. One book I have been reading recently is "Hope in the hard places" by Sarah Beckman. This book would be good for anyone just dealing with life challenges. She has great insight on suffering a getting through it.
One album I have been listening to this week is a good one for a time like this. It was actually a fellow college suicide loss mom who recommended this song to me and I have been listening to the whole album ever since. Laura Daigle (Album: Look Up, Child)
"Only in the darkness can you see the stars" Martin Luther King Jr.
"Grief is really just love, it's all the love you want to give but cannot . All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat the the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go"