Because of the Lord's faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is YOUR faithfulness! I say: The Lord is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him. Lamentations 3:22-24
With 6 months just passing since losing Joey, I would love to say we are "moving on" and "getting over it" but I am far from that place and will never be there honestly. There is a profound perspective shift that comes with this loss. I have definitely experienced loss before by seeing loved ones taken too soon by cancer. While I felt so bad for those close to them affected by their loss, I was never truly in their shoes. I have never experienced a traumatic loss of someone close to me in my lifetime which may make this one a lot more of a challenge. Add to that the suicide factor and the fact that it is your son who had his whole future ahead and it truly adjusts how you see so many things in life.
Holding On
Suicide is a very scary topic for so many. Some look at it as a form of weakness or such a selfish act to hurt those they love. There is a great article in the Huffington Post that somewhat capture the place you find yourself as a bereaved mother.
Honoring my son
For me Joey's life represents the 19 wonderful years we had with him. While the way he passed was heartbreaking, it truly helps to remember the good times we had with him. We had many family road trips that included laughs and cherished family time. While our family may be one that instills an uneasy fear in you when you see us, we are okay. We are getting through each day as it comes each grieving in our own way. This road is a long one with so much to learn. We all talk about times with Joey when they come to us and we can laugh at them and enjoy the memories. If you remember good times with Joey, please share them with us. It is almost uplifting for me to hear the memories. It reassures me he is not forgotten. With Suicide you often are haunted with the fact that the memories of your child are gone for soo many and have been replaced with one thing; how they left us.
Being Honest
Another perspective shift is your honesty. Life takes on a whole new meaning for you now. You cherish every moment you have with your remaining children. You also appreciate such small things you took for granted before.
Being honest with others regarding your needs. In the midst of seeing that your child suffered without reaching out to you for help, you need to be honest and get the help you need when you need it. I find that my tears flow as readily now as they did initially. In fact, the pain at this point is more sustained. That initial shock phase with the Adrenalin and all the support around you makes it something you can get through. 6 months later you now feel a true sense of isolation that comes with this. In some ways for everyone around you life goes one but you seem to be stuck in a way. Your children are focused on tomorrow as they have their whole future in front of them. Losing your 19 year old in a way makes you want to stop time and go back into the past. Your desires are to laugh and experience the childhood joy you watched with such contentment as a mother.
Prayer and self reflection help that hurting heart. There are times with prayer that I simply have no words but God knows my pain, he knows my heart and is with me through this journey.
The honesty that surprises others. This change in perspective that you have also changes how you are as a person. There may have been moments in the past when someone like me wouldn't say something when I probably should have. I can tell you that has changed.
Every day, every step every moment I must be honest with myself, others and God. Honest regarding my needs, honest regarding my limitations and honest regarding my hurt.
Song: If We're Honest by Francesca Battistelli
The Heavy Hurt
A perspective you in no way prepare for is the consistent pain that is deep. It's a pain triggered by the most mundane things. It may be an officer in uniform standing in front of you for the first time since March. It may even be a lego brick. These unexpected visual triggers are all around but some bring joy, and some pain. It's as if all of your senses are deeply connected to your grief. There are sounds, songs, even other peoples conversations that were once yours. There are the smells of freshly mowed grass at work (Joey worked landscaping for my school district), the smells of his favorite foods. There is the touch of a soft sweatshirt, the pillows made from his workshirts. The tastes of those foods we all loved eating together as a family. Each day is one to expect the unexpected and prepare for the response. For me as a mother, the pain strikes deeply when I see my my other children and the obvious absence of their brother. It also hurts so deeply to see the depth of my husband's pain. This is truly only a level of pain that God can carry for me.
I know for many it is so awkward talking to someone like me or even approaching me with the heaviness of our situation but truly I feel supported when you acknowledge our loss and the fact that you know we are still on this journey. There are those in this place who have walked this path before me and help me so much to understand the feelings and the faith walk through them. I recently saw the good samaritan parable rewritten from this perspective. There was a grieving mother who lost her child on the side of the road who simply couldn't stand up (I am paraphrasing) due to her grief..... a psychologist walked by and offered to talk and listen to help her through it......a psychiatrist walked by and offered to prescribe medications to help her through it..... lastly a fellow grieving mother took her hand and helped her up and walked with her helping her with each and every step. While I don't discount any and all help you seek and receive when you are on this path, those mothers who have been here understand it on a very deep level. Often times they are ahead of me in the journey and have learned how to navigate the curves thrown at you unexpectedly. Finding fellow suicide loss mothers out there has helped so much to know that I am not alone.
Song: No Fight Left: JJ Heller
I will add a quote from Don Pallotta:
I am a survivor of the dark night of unspeakable loss, of my own darkness … and I am alive.
I am unwilling to stand idly by and allow shame to defeat love or silence to defeat action. I stand for the enlightenment of a society that would hide from suicide … and I am alive.
I am unwilling for my perseverance to be in vain. Unwilling for the passing of my loved one to be in shame. I loved them more than I loved myself and their life will have meaning in my action. I am alive.
In a world blinded by the pursuit of pleasure, I am here to say that people are in pain. In a world rushing to get ahead, I am here to say that people are being left behind. Ina world obsessed with the value of the market, I am here to speak for the value of life … and I’m alive.
This will be no quiet fight.
I am the voice of audacity in the face of apathy.
I am the spirit of bravery in a world of caution.
I am a commitment of action in the face of neutrality.
I am into the light and I am alive.”
Dan Pallotta at the Out of the Darkness Suicide Awareness Walk in Washington DC, 2002
Hope
While Hope is a recurring theme with me, it absolutely has to be. Our pastor gave a wonderful message yesterday on Job and the suffering he endured while maintaining his faith. Hope is tomorrow and Hope is what God gives us with the promise that there will be no more suffering and no more pain one day. Sin is a part of this world and it is evident that our children are often plagued by the pressures of society, the power of the internet and the instant public response to their choices. It is something we didn't experience and while there is so much good to come out of this digital age, sadly there is bad as well. Those child losses as a result of online bullying give me perspective. We are losing some children as young as 10 and 12 years old. Encourage your children to be KIND. I would encourage them to take a moment to talk to that child no one else talks to.
We have a living hope in the future because our future doesn't end here but continues in Heaven where there are no tears.
Tomorrow matters and we just need to help our hurting souls here.
Song: Hope in Front of me by Danny Gokey
Phillipians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
