He gives strength to the weary and strengthens the powerless. Youths may faint and grow weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:29-31
This last six months for me has been a time of growth. The growth wasn't one I expected but with age we must be prepared for loss. The perspective you have is one of cherishing the moments you share with others. Each of those moments is a blessing because as I have learned tomorrow is never a guarantee. Every connection is a meaningful moment cherished deeply. On my journey God has placed those people in my life on my current path to show me he is present and knows my pain. He feels the aching in a mother's heart experiencing loss of a child even to suicide.
A journey of transition
In the last couple years my mother has been struggling with some memory issues. As most of you know, my mom has always been my rock. She has the sweetest most calming disposition and commits everything in life to prayer. I have watched her in my younger years journey some very tough paths and do it with unwaivering FAITH, remarkable GRACE and incredible PATIENCE. She was there for me when my kids were born cherishing those moments holding the babies. In a way God was preparing me for my current path through her. As a result of her memory issues, she wasn't able to care for their house and finances like she always did and it was becoming too much for my dad. Last fall they made the decision to retire up in Oregon from California. There were a few reasons for this. They would be closer to extended family. They also would be a slower pace environment. As a result of that, we started making plans to move them this summer. They committed to an apartment in a retirement community in May which was an answer to prayer in itself. I took a leave of absence from work to help them transition from California to Oregon safely. Being two retired teachers they had accumulated many educational treasures over the years. As a result each step I took with them had to be one that preserved their dignity in the best way possible. We went through most everything in the house to find what we knew they wanted to move. They had a young dog at the time but this dog was a lot of work that they just weren't able to handle. They agreed to rehome the dog and we found a wonderful family to take her. Each one of these transitions was a challenge especially for my mom who was hanging on to everything possible. This recently was compounded with her memory struggles so I had to think in terms of how difficult this had to be for her. Their house in California was sold and they flew up to my aunt and uncles in Oregon where they were able to get in their apartment quickly with new furniture. My cousin and I drove their RV up and then a pod came later with their house stuff. The process wasn't seamless but it just seemed as if God was guiding the whole thing and just allowing everything to fall into place. Once their pod arrived and everything was placed in their apartment, my mom started referring to it as "home" and that was wonderful to hear. They had already had two different sets of visitors who were friends of theirs in Portland 45-50 years ago and enjoyed every moment.
The Moments
There were roller coaster moments on this journey with my parents. There were times i was in the garage going through pictures and found a whole stack of Joey pictures and broke down by myself. It is good to let those tears flow then they come. It's a natural part of grief and loss. My time with mom and dad was filled with more blessings than sadness. It may have been a result of a perspective change recently. I truly cherished every laugh, meal, car ride, dog chase, box pack, box sort, and just moment we had. Each of those moments are precious moments with a loved one that I consider a blessing because I don't know what the future holds. When life is predictable and routine just happens, life seems to protected like it will last forever but a situation like losing Joey causes you to truly cherish the moments today. Transitioning my parents was one of the harder things I have endured but I was honored to be with them through it and help comfort them in their change. After all, they did that for me my whole life.
Joey's moment
I haven't told Joey's whole story as I just didn't feel ready. With suicide comes judgement. There is judgement on the person who made the decision and if they are a child, there rarely but does come judgement on the parents. It's just a natural part of our society. Mental illness and the approach in our country is still very limited in scope. Joey's story is one that results from that. Joey took sadness with him to college. We wish that wasn't the case and had no idea but found a journal showing us that was the case. I think he thought college and being away would "fix it". Of course the opposite happens when you are away and on your own paying your own tuition deciding on a future career and trying to socially connect. Joey reached out the the college in September for help with depression and anxiety. They sent him to a therapist and also sent him to health services where he was placed on meds. He was seen monthly for the meds and the health services department and counseling department don't communicate when it comes to his care. The first med Joey was placed on appeared to be helping by his health records psych records. By November he stated that he was feeling better and still had some anxiety about the future but thought counseling would help with that. Joey had shared with the health services department that he was not comfortable telling his family about his struggles. He was a very independent kid so this didn't surprise me. The week before winter break they recommended a second medication, this one was a pretty heavy one that has an added warning for suicidal side effects for 18-24 year olds. He was reluctant but agreed to the med and they doubled the dose a week later before sending him home for a month. I believe at this time Joey started spiraling and didn't know what was happening in his mind. By the time he returned to school in January he didn't have an appointment with health services until later in the month. His personality started shifting according to friends. He was tense and irritable. By February he called the suicide hotline on February 15. He told the campus police office he was hurting so bad and wanted to end his life, he said he needed help and was lying to his therapist as he didn't feel connected. It was then that he was put in the hospital and saw his first psychiatrist who I am so grateful for. She told him he would stay there until he picked up that phone and called his parents. He called me and said he had been lying to me and was suffering from depression and had been treated by school since Sept. Of course this sends you as a parent into a complete panic. You know you raised your child to trust their medical help and now they are on their own and may have the wrong help. Joey was very sweet on the phone telling me this was his issue and he didn't want to burden me with this with everything I have going on with my parents. I was devastated. I told him if anything happened to him, it would be my fault for not knowing and not helping. He said that is not true that if anything it's his fault for not listening to me. He insisted on returning to school since he had paid for that semester and thought he could make it. I reached out to Joey often after that call but was terrified for what might come next. I had researched psychiatric help in the area and found a great place for him since he said he would need help when he got home in the summer. Unfortunately he didn't make it home. While suicide is a decision that crushes those around you, Joey was suffering greatly in his mind. He had absolutely had a reversal happen in his brain. He felt he was extremely unattractive and incapable of connecting with others. This wasn't the case for him as a child so something changed. I pursued meaningful moments in every way I could after that phone call. I took the boys skiing 10 days before he died just hoping to give him a glimpse of hope if he was suffering but I believe by the time we became involved after seeing all the records, he was too sick. If he got to his low he had one solution sadly and thought he couldn't possibly expose us to what was happening inside him. Our family has so many cherished moments in our memory of Joey and nearly all of them include laughing, smiling and adventure.
Making moments in the future
With this new perspective, my commitment is to make meaningful moments with everyone I love and come in contact with. Every MOMENT MATTERS. Someone gave me a plaque that says that after Joey died and truly each moment does have merit. We are getting a dog or puppy which we have never had. The boys are so excited. My hope is Joey will be smiling seeing that dog and the MOMENTS of joy it brings to our family. Our time together is cherished. My kids may not understand the depth at which we are cherishing our time with them and I hope they never suffer the loss we did. This journey has taught me so much and being deeply blessed by these MOMENTS is one thing I wouldn't take back.
Life goes on
While staying with my aunt and uncle I was out on their patio and saw this plant that they had received as a gift with their sons passing. It looked dead but there were flowers trying to peek out of the leaves showing that life does go on. It was sort of symbolic of this path. LIFE DOES GO ON. Taking each step as one of faith helps ensure us of that.