Galations 6:2
Carry each other's burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ
We are built for compassion as mothers. We carry our child and we tend to them. We want to carry their burdens. They run to us for comfort when they fall and scrape their knee and we cherish that. It's as if we are fulfilling our purpose. For those who do not have children, the purpose is still just as profound. We are all born with the innate gift of carrying each other's burdens. It is something I have seen over and over again in my journey from so many who have that gift of compassion and empathy. I would encourage you to take a moment to reflect on someone around you who may be struggling in some way and offer them encouragement. If you are a young person, look around you there may be one of those "quiet" people who is fairly intricate and could use a friend. It's hard not to go back and wish that Joey would have let us help him carry this burden.
For those who never met my son, I am going to do my best to help you understand him. As a mother in my shoes, you literally replay every possible memory in your mind that you have of your child. You do it to answer all the questions that are consistently plaguing your psyche. It also is a tool of comfort to hang on to every one of those bright moments between hello and goodbye. Those are the pictures that help so much knowing there was happiness in that life and it wasn't always the definition of that final moment of suffering.
In trying to think of the best words to describe Joey there were quite a few. Most of you would describe him as quiet, unassuming, smart. He wasn't real enthusiastic about much but did pride himself in his humor. As a son he truly was pretty easy, not the best sleeper as a toddler but was never a problem through elementary school and later.
The three words that came to mind when it comes to Joey as I now describe him are internal, intricate and independent.
Internal is the word that may give me the most turmoil as a mother because you really couldn't tell when things were bothering him. He generally was pretty steady. If he was struggling he rarely let on and if something really upset him, he got very very upset in an emotional way but that happened less and less the older he got. In a way he taught himself to internalize that emotion to keep it in check. As parents you believe they are learning to manage their emotions but truthfully they may be just internalizing them which isn't always best. This trait is one that did not help him in the struggle he had this last year with depression. If his struggles continued even after getting help from his college, it would be that internal characteristic that would convince him that he was that broken. I firmly believe that and without anyone deeply connected to him in the struggle, it was a struggle he would try and carry alone.
Intricate is yet another trait I would give Joey. As a child Joey would express interest in something and would pour himself into that thing. It usually involved creativity or athleticism in some way. A few of these hobbies he took on were stop action movies, skateboarding and running. He did all of these at one point or another as a young child. At the age of 9 he took an interest in lego stop action movies. On his own he saved up for a digital video camera and tri pod. (inexpensive one) He had a whole set up in our "toy room" that included a PC and a desk light for lighting. He took thousands of pictures of legos and even clay and would work for hours putting together a very short little video. He would post that to his youtube channel director0012 . He would continue his pursuit of possible perfection but would end the hobby to take on another one. That usually meant he just could never be fully satisfied with his end result. There was a perfectionism about him when it came to these things. We saw this same approach with skateboarding. He was in the garage every night practicing and practicing learning tricks but then stopped doing it one day. We figured he must be done skateboarding. He also took on running when he was younger. He would map out a mile, keep track of his times and practice daily but I think again he would not quite be able to reach what he wanted when he wanted to so he would quit. He did find that sports possibly helped him adapt to that perfection since he was part of a team. He was still very analytical with many things. He reviewed movies and often thought he could direct many movie so much better than the actual director. He would see parts in a movie that could be improved with the addition of this or that. This intricate part of Joey is yet another trait that may not have helped him when it came to depression. Society combined with depression can be cruel. It can make some convince themselves that they are broken beyond repair and not worth it. Some of these intricate individuals will convince themselves that they are "not worth it", "don't matter", or are "ugly". It may be surprising to some of you who knew him but one of his biggest struggles by way of his journaling was his appearance. To me as his mother, he was beautiful and perfect like every individual is because they are an individual. God made us each perfect in our own way. We each have some sort of gift to contribute to this world, some sort of beautiful gift. Each of us is truly "worth it" because we are making an impact on someone somewhere.
Independence. I always strived to help my children learn independence so they would be prepared for that leaving the nest moment. Joey and my daughter are very independent. Don't get me wrong, they need me occasionally like if their car breaks down or the cell phone stops working but overall they strive to be independent. Joey worked very hard for a few years to save up the $15,000 to pay for most of his first year tuition. He handled his academics himself and even signing up for college and all the details were handled by him. He was proud of that and wanted to be successful at it. As a parent you are proud of this as well. It gives you reassurance that they are going to be okay because they have a future in mind. This independence is what lead him to seek out his own help from the college for depression, help that lacked the intricacy that my son would have needed to conquer this darkness.
I recently received Gary Roe's book, "living on the edge TEEN EDITION How to win the fight for your mind and heart". It's a 30 page book for teens that is made for suicide prevention. Gary tells about himself then addresses suicidal and self harming thoughts. One of his main points is so great. "Not every thought you have is yours". Some have been placed in your mind but outside influences. It is those thoughts that sometimes turn destructive and negative in our minds. He says that suicidal thoughts come from "LIES AND LIMITING BELIEFS". He has them do a little homework which causes them to see the deception, reflect on it and replace it with truth. I believe this book is a perfect approach to preventative education. Introduce the topic in a safe healthy way so if that child ever ends up where my son does, they have the tools to recognize what isn't working and find solutions to make it work. The Teen Suicide Rate (age 15-24) has had a steady increase increase every year.
Joey's stop action movie "Tag" Published August 4, 2009 Age: 10