God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble so we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam, let the mountains tremble as the waters surge. A river brings joy to the city of our God, the sacred home of the most high. God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed. From the very break of day, God will protect it.
Ps. 46: 1-5
Looking back on this last 13 months, I can openly admit that in my complacency I was simply not prepared. I was so blessed with a predictable life as a mother, one that included assurance in a way. Sadly this is a place where one thinks they indeed may have control. Many of us mothers, daughter's, sisters are master's of doing and multitasking and by managing much of this, it can be easy to fall into a false sense of security as if it's under your control. If I have learned anything I have learned that as much as we may think we are steering the ship, we are simply passengers. We can certainly help with the direction by keeping our focus on God. God knows our pain and is there to comfort us when we reach out. I think back on that spring trip I took with the boys up north last Fall. I wrote then about the FOG of grief. It truly is as if you are walking in a bit of a fog. I still get unexpected news often regarding my parents. My mother recently suffered a small stroke in her facility which was in lockdown. This limited her access to medical care and has limited her access to any therapies as a result. While my heart breaks I do know my mother led her entire life keeping her focus on God in the midst of her valleys. She never lost faith and always turned towards the light. The Peace she had was infectious. She always stayed positive no matter what the circumstance. The year that she retired from teaching I can recall she said a fellow younger teacher had made a slideshow and chosen a song for it. That song, "I can only imagine" by MercyMe was popular at that time. She was so touched that he connected that song with her because that is how she carried herself in life as a shining light for God.
You see I have been introduced to the grief that comes with loss. Losses happening in what seems to be a very long year. The loss of Joey, the loss of my mom as I knew her to Alzheimers, the loss of our family the way we knew it, the losses of vacation plans due to covid, the losses seem to keep coming in this fog of grief I am experiencing.
It is so important to maintain focus at this time.
There are moments that a phone call may come in or maybe even a haunting thought and I just say, "it's you and me God". I simply cannot imagine trying to carry these things on my own. The weight is often too much to bear.
Peace with the Pain
I have taken a class called Griefshare at a local church and the materials in this class describe it so well. One of the contributors talks about experiencing peace in your pain. How can you have peace and pain together? But it is so true, there is a calm that comes with the pain, maybe it is a calm reflection, maybe a calm of knowing but either way it is a peace. The pain is still vividly present but with it there does come a peace. With this peace comes an understanding of the path I am on and what I need to do to get through it.
Be Still and Know
We all know this phrase but have all had to face the meaning of it recently. We are being forced to be still. No sports, limited access to many things we could freely access previously and limited physical access to others. Our routines have been halted. It is important though at this time again to keep your focus steady. There are days where it just may not be in your best interest for your mental health to watch the news. That may be a day where a walk outside would be the best thing for you. Approach this new normal calmly and confidently keeping your focus on what is next. As I have often said, on my down days, I simply just try and do what is next. I don't look too far ahead as that is where both fear (anxiety) and depression can take hold.
Don't allow Fear to take you hostage
"I'm no longer a slave to fear" is a phrase in the music video below. Fear is so evident now more than ever in this world crisis. Fear of the unknown, fear for our own health, fear for the health of those we love. But if I have learned anything in this last year I have learned fear is a very powerful thing without the right perspective. It does take effort to make sure we are still putting God first. When that anxiety starts to occur, it is easy for us to reflect only on ourselves and how we are affected. It's at that time we must consciously make an effort to readjust our focus off of ourselves. For me sometimes in my valleys, this can be so tough not to reflect on all I had that is no more. But truly I must reflect on what I still have and trust God to get me through it.
The battle with depression
There is a term that has become common in my research on mental health. We often refer to someone as having a "battle with depression". Speaking personally I never experienced depression until the day I unexpectedly lost Joey. It was then that the dark discouraging lies of depression were a constant battle for me. For me it may be more situational but it has shown me in a real way what Joey was struggling with. You see, these lies combined with other factors can start to convince you of so many falsehoods. It can be an exhausting fight for those who struggle. I truly believe that there is a darkness pulling at our minds in depression. Discouragement, despair, hopelessness all constants in those depression lies. The issue with depression is you cannot generally see it in someone.
Suicide steals
Suicide truly steals so much of what we thought we knew. It steals the sense of security you once had in the future of your children. It steals the confidence you had in yourself as a parent. It steals the whole of your family as you are now fragments walking a grieving path that occasionally intersects. Suicide attempts to steal your joy, your faith, your peace and your hope but that is where God is there waiting to battle those thoughts with us. He will fight our battles given the opportunity. I turn my battles over to God because they are just simply too heavy a burden for me to carry.
Hope Gives
If we continue to strive for Hope. Hope while having a heart of peace & encouragement. Hope is what God gives us to keep striving. We know that there is something much bigger than this waiting for us in Heaven. While humanity is not free from suffering, we are blessed by the sacrifice of Jesus so we are able to spend eternity with him. I cannot give up on HOPE. Hope keeps us going.
Keep GOING
We must keep going regardless of the obstacles in front of us. Below is a clip from a movie. My kids make fun of me including Joey because I simply cannot get enough of inspirational sports movies. Even though the outcome is almost always the same, the stories are inspiring because those athletes and/or teams have overcome despite their obstacles. Movies like Miracle, Remember the Titans, We are Marshall all examples of KEEP GOING.