Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.
Psalm 119:105
Gratitude in Grief
Grateful and Grief are two words you would not think belong together but they do go hand in hand. Loss opens your eyes and mind to many things you may once have taken for granted. Perspective finds a depth that reveals our complacency in this busy life. The pain of your loss is real and should be acknowledged but at the same time you gained something. You gained a depth of perspective that comes with trials in this life. You gained a strength for the day and a hope for tomorrow.
Grateful for moments-
The moments of beauty in life. The stars, the sunrise, the sunset, the sea... God's creation presents itself in a whole new way when you lose someone.
The moments of reflection. Since the day Joey passed away, I have been shown over and over again on so many levels that others are suffering as well. This isn't just about our family and the loss we went through. My parents and brother have experienced their own loss. Mom diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia and placed in memory care has been a loss for my father. He has some confusion issues himself but is able to live independently. It has been hard for him to process mom in memory care and not being able to see her in person. I am encouraging my Dad to remember the good moments we had as a family. Cherish them, honor them.
My brother had to make the hardest decision this week with his wife and their family. She is transitioning from cancer care to comfort care. My heart aches for those who suffer like my brother in this season. Of course they have comfort in the fact that she is going to see Jesus and will no longer have to fight with her earthly body against a cancer that doesn't quit. The valley my brother is currently in has put my struggle into perspective yet again. This happens often. I am reminded of the fact that others are going through it right now. This suffering in my family has truly drawn my heart to them and their plight. While my loss is significant to me, I understand the pain of loss and grief and their situation takes my focus off of myself. There are those all around us that may be in a valley just trying to do what's next. As I try and help my brother and his family from a distance, I know it's "gonna be okay" but in the moment they are currently in, that is so hard to understand.
It's a Wonderful life....
This movie was always one that made me think of "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings". As a suicide loss survivor, this movie has a sting in the beginning but I can appreciate the story now. A stigma that stings. There is a stigma that comes with suicide loss that adds an added sting to the surviving family or loved ones. I can honestly say I have never had to deal with the stigma that comes with mental health struggles because it was not part of my story until that day. As someone living my story out loud, I open myself up to questions that come with that stigma sting. Child suicide loss brings with it a profound fear for any fellow parent. As a result, occasionally I will be asked questions that in a way "explain" Joey's situation so they are comforted knowing that won't happen to their kids. I try and encourage everyone to talk to their kids about it. Joey kept his struggle quiet because of the stigma with mental health and as a result he found himself in a very dark place fighting his battle alone. If someone were to ask me what do we say to a mother who is in your shoes? I would not ask specific questions but more offer your presence, a listening ear and talk about their child, memories, pictures. This is most comforting. I happen to catch "it's a wonderful life" on TV this weekend. The interesting thing is I have seen it before and never have felt the sting that it had this time. Suicide is a topic very relevant to the story line of this movie but the interesting thing is how the movie approaches it pointing out that it is "illegal" and a "crime". Despite what you may feel regarding this issue, what I would ask you to consider is what that does to the family left behind, any sort of judgement on that person who passed away. We have come a long way from a time when this was the case but it is still a challenge to process that added judgement piece while grieving the loss of a child.
In the movie, Jimmy Stewart's character is shown what it would be like if he was never born, a wish he had in his dark depression place. As a result of him not being born, he is able to see all the people in his life that he did something for and understood why suicide was not the answer for him. Oh how I wish these hurting people could be shown the same thing. Their lives truly do matter. Disclaimer: If you are a suicide loss survivor, please know this movie is painful, the stigma is very evident.
Grateful for love
There is a new side of love that comes with grief.
That longing love. I am grateful for my grief because it defines the depth of my love for Joey. We grieve because we loved. I know I will see him again but not in this life and those 19 years came with a deep love which also includes a deep grief. The memories are precious and we loved every moment we had with that person.
The love of others in grief is the definition of compassion. It is yet another blessing in grief how others set their own needs aside to help you through your valley. I have been blessed by so many in the different areas of my life and I am grateful for the depth of that friendship and how much it helps me.
The love you give is deep now and the love you get isn't taken for granted. There is a special place in my heart for the person who has suffered a loss. It's almost as if I can understand their pain with a bit more clarity and want to spread a light and hope to them as it was done to me. I want to pay it forward when possible.
There is also that unconditional love that comes from God alone. Certainty is truly not something we have in this life. No one truly knows what tomorrow will bring. This may sound rather depressing but what I acknowledge is that God knows what we do not and can get us through it. He takes care of us if we simply cast our cares on him. I am grateful for the love that comes from above. Fear, Anxiety and Despair want to convince you otherwise but I believe that the hope and love of God and others can be a light in our darkness.
Lamp and Light
If any of you have been camping, there can be a challenge present when camping in our beautiful country- the darkness. Flashlights or lanterns are a must to see where you are going. Tripping or stepping on something are a very real hazard.
A song that has been coming back to me recently is a good old Amy Grant Classic, "Thy Word". Thy Word is a lamp until my feet and a light unto my path. It's a pretty simple thought to turn to the word for the reassurance that simply cannot be found here. The Bible truly has so many verses that can be used as a guide for us to get through this life. Such a simple piece of advice to turn to the word and yet we often look there last.
Lamp and Light- Do not fear.
The Bible has many references to Fear. One we read at Joey's funeral was Isaiah 41:10- Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be afraid for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold onto you with my righteous right hand.
Psalm 23 is yet another and there are many more verses referring to fear.
And a Light unto my path
If you are in a very dark place without a lot of light pollution from a city, that flashlight has to be pointed in the right direction. If you point it behind you while walking forward, you will likely find yourself on the ground unexpectedly. If you point it to side to maybe look for an animal you heard in the trees, etc, again you will find your feet uneasy below you as they don't know where to step safely. God gives us a clear light for our path. This light gives us a clear manual on where to step and how to move forward. I find this to be so applicable in suffering. My brother's family is in a deep valley right now and as he and I connect, I encourage him to simply do what's next, one step at a time. He and his wife have been doing this for over a year now with her treatment and understand it well. That light is shining in front of us showing us where to step one foot in front of the other- simply doing what's next. Psalm 112:4 Light shines in the darkness of the upright, he is gracious, compassionate, and righteous.
In this holiday season on your path, keep your eyes on things ahead using the light from above as a guide to get you through each step. There will be obstacles on this path but keeping your light shining bright and using the light provided by God will get you through them. It's gonna be okay.
Thankful for my new perspective, thankful for friendships that are a light and thankful for family and the memories made with them.
My brother Matt, his beautiful wife Laurel and their children Isaac, Liv, Duren and Jia Jia. Blessed to call them family.
