John 14:7 Peace I leave with you, my Peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
Thank you all once again this year in honor of my late son Joey for letting me help you understand more about grief, loss, and mental health. This experience has taught me so much and I hope Joeys’ story can help others. Each day until the heaven going day he lost his battle with depression (March 24), I will share a post that may just help you understand more about Mental Health, Grief and just our life journey.
Joey was a gift to me even if just for the nearly 20 years he was my son. While I long so much for the joy I experienced being his mother, I do know we will meet again some day. Those memories are a gift now deeply treasure in my heart for the rest of my life. Memories involving many legos, monster trucks, sports, hiking and cliff jumping. In this heavy month of March, sharing with you all each day helps.
Each and every one of us will not get through this life without grieving the loss of a loved one. Grief has taught me to allow myself to feel the emotions as they come. In our culture, it is definitely not ideal to show grief and loss. It’s makes us uncomfortable even afraid to have to face someone else’s story and the more tragic it is, the more challenging it is to face them. As someone who has experienced this side of that unexpected story, here are some helpful suggestions.
Say their name, I so relished when someone talked about Joey or said his name. It was the reality I knew that he did exist and he did make an impression.
Come along side that griever, not necessarily trying to fix them or finding those perfect responses but just being present.
If this is a recent loss, offer or insist on doing those things that may seem just too much for them.
I can recall the day after we got the news. My house was very busy with family and our family was just in a fog of shock. Visitors were stopping by and so much love. One particular moment is etched in my memory. Joe and I often stayed in rooms by ourselves with everyone around the house. We were just processing everything that comes with that shock. A family member came into my room and said “your friend is here and she has cleaning products, she said God told her to clean our bathrooms”. I agreed, of course. The bathrooms were the last thing on my mind but having a house with 3 boys, do I need to say more? And now a lot of company using the bathrooms. I never saw her until the funeral and to this day I am grateful she took that off my plate.
If you are struggling with emotions in your loss, that is completely normal and do not let anyone put a timeline on your journey. Everyone grieves differently and each step is one that take effort and time. There are occasionally phrases that you hear in this similar to needing to move on. From experience I can tell you those are generally for that person to feel more comfortable in your story. They need it more than you can give it. It’s okay to let them know that this is a process and there is not getting over it or moving on from it. There is only moving through it.
My encouragement to all is to allow the emotions you have as a response to any loss in life. By leaning into your emotions, you will move forward in this painful journey of grief. It is not easy but as you move through these moments, the experience will allow for peace in your sadness. Joy will start to find its way through your tears. The sorrow of loss will remain but in a different way.
I was raised with a firm foundation of Faith in a God who knew this broken world very well and sent his Son as a sacrifice for the brokenness of mankind so that we could have hope beyond this life. It is that reassurance that we can all rely on by simply repenting and believing. Being in the brokenness truly makes God’s light shine so much brighter for me.
Recently I was working on my bible study and decided to look in a treasure I have, my mom’s bible in the same passage. She made notes on the side and they are often timely treasures. As I was thinking about how to find peace in this time, I also think about how to find joy. They compliment each other. “Peace is joy resting and Joy is Peace dancing”
Seek Peace where you know you found it before your loss. If that’s too hard right now find experiences that may bring you peace. Cry if you need to cry and find a way to be in that grief moment. Those moments will start to bring peace. Your Joy will be resting in that Peace. Thank you Mom for that sweet gift this past week.
May each of you be blessed with Peace and Joy even in your valleys.
May you find a way to see the light in the midst of darkness.