Finding Hope in peace on earth, goodwill to men....

But your eyes are blessed because they do see and your ears because they do hear!

Matthew 13:16

White Christmas

The sky was heavy this morning with a pending snowstorm that will bring to us the white Christmas we didn't think we would see this year. It's so interesting for me as the sky does carry this heaviness about it before the snow falls. There is then a peace when the snow is falling, it's almost serene while inside of course. Then when it is all said and done and the sun makes it's way back out, the snow is white and bright and the sun makes it for a very bright day. It's the calm AFTER the storm.

My life has seen it's share of storms in the last couple years. The calm after the storms though are a time of reflection, a time of peace in the mourning. This photo below is something I love to do reflect on those joy moments. The big snow pile Joe would make in the front yard for the kids. One year he sculpted the incredible hulk in the back yard since the kids were superhero fans. He would build them a "mountain" in the front yard and they would have a little house inside. Simpler times when this world hadn't introduced our family to alzehimers, dementia and suicide. This photo represents joy and that I just love.

I heard the bells on Christmas Day Song

This song has been one that is touching my heart this year. They say in loss for some the second year is harder than the first. For myself, I would not completely agree. They are both equally tough but the first year is more of the shock and disbelief year where as the second year is the acceptance year which hurts more long term.

While this year has brought with it new challenges and suffering for my family members. My dear brother lost his wife to cancer on November 30. My mother placed in a memory care facility in January hasn't been able to have any in person visits with my father since March. This has been a challenge for both of them.

What this has brought to my perspective is understanding. My husband and I traveled out to California to be with my brother's family as they mourned the loss of their mother and wife. As we traveled home, it was hard for us to dwell on our situation as we experienced a young family who's mother went home to Jesus sooner than anyone would have expected.

The writer of this song, "I heard the Bells on Christmas Day" wrote this song amidst his own suffering. In 1861, he lost his wife to fire as she was using wax sealing envelopes. He even tried to save her to no avail suffering burns himself. He fell into a depression following the loss of his wife. It was spring of 1863 his son joined the army to help fight in the war despite his father's wishes. In November of that year his son was injured in the war and he had to bring him home in December to nurse him back to health. As far down as he was with his suffering he still heard the bells of the church, they still rang on Christmas day and this inspired a poem. It was later put to song in 1872.

I look at the line which could have been written by so many of us in our trials,

"And in despair I bow my head,

there is no peace on earth I said,

for hate is strong and mocks the song, of peace on earth good will to men,

BUT the bells are ringing Peace on Earth, Good will to Men....

Then rang the bells more loud and deep,

God is not dead nor does he sleep,

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With PEACE ON EARTH, GOOD WILL TO MEN..."

Despair pulls at us in this life, it can pull us hard. We must look for the light and listen for the bells. These traditional Christmas songs do hold a familiar song we need to hear, a song of HOPE.

There are things that will always still happen despite our valleys, the sun will come up, the church bells will ring, and hope will survive. It is hope that has kept mankind going through the many trials that come with this life. We all hope for Peace on Earth and goodwill to men. I believe by practicing humbly "goodwill to men", this helps bring the "peace on earth"

Senses

The sixth sense: grief

For me grief has become a sixth sense in a way. It heightens all the other senses and works with them to help you survive those trauma trigger moments. Finding healing in loss utilizes your senses in such a significant way. I find it so interesting how much more each of my senses may for instance appreciate something due to a cherished memory instigated by a loss. As we were together with Matt's family and my father, I made a cookie that is one of my mom's famous Christmas cookies. In fact, I will share the recipe below. She made these cookies with most of her grandkids and always made them with us. One reason is they are a multi step cookie so help is always good. As we tested the cream wafers, my nephew pointed out how sad it was that grandma couldn't enjoy this moment with us. I pointed out that what we must do is honor grandma with this cookie, honor what she taught us. So we each raised a cookie and had a toast to grandma Jacque. I was able to get a picture of that and send it to my mom in Memory care. Her caregiver said she was thrilled. You see the taste that comes with that cookie reminds me of the love my mother provided me as a child. It is interesting how Henry Longfellow captured this same thought in his suffering, how he was able to hear the message in familiar Christmas songs and remember the good. These senses we have are so paramount in our healing, they are truly a gift.

Betty Crocker Cream Wafers Recipe

This is Duren (10) and Caleb (18) CA Cousin enjoying cream wafers in honor of Grandma Jacque. Please keep Duren (and his dad (Matt) and his siblings Isaac (16), Liv (14) and Jia Jia (9)) in your prayers as his mom lost her battle with cancer on November 30.

Finding a sweet moment during a tough time.

Do you hear what I hear?

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to be angry. James 1:19

My sense of listening has been heightened with grief as well. I think anyone who is under added stress due to any sort of change in their life has these heightened senses. For me particularly, I have to always be prepared for what I hear just in case. It's as if your guard is up just because of how we lost our son, it comes with a stigma. I was recently discussing this with a friend who's family experienced a suicide loss of a family member when she was young. It was interesting how deeply we connected on the fact that people's reaction to your loss is a whole other road you must traverse while grieving the sudden tragic loss.

Therefore I listen intently. Songs carry more meaning both for the good and bad. I may hear a lyric that stings, I may hear a lyric that inspires. Kindness in your presence by words your hear inspires, it gives hope.

It is not only what you hear from other people but it is the sounds God brings to you through nature, music, and even silence. Listening intently to each brings a new level of appreciation and hope. I can honestly say my life and most parents in my shoes will now consist of before Joey passed and after Joey passed. The before: life seemed predictable, it was busy with kids and everything they are involved in. The after: I appreciate the beauty in even the smallest thing and the clouds just take on a new meaning. When listening to music, each instrument sound contributing to the beautiful piece of work comforting your soul. It brings one song to mind and I encourage you to listen to this with your eyes closed taking it all in, every sound. One of my mom's favorite Christmas traditions with my dad was attending a Handel's Messiah sing along.

Do you see what I see?

Fix your eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

Last year I wrote a blog with a New Year's resolution for all. One of those things was to listen with your eyes and I still encourage that in so many ways. Focus on what you see in others before speaking. Understand their situation. I also encourage you to recognize those that may be hurting. It can be so hard but listening and offering that as an option so someone may be struggling may be just what they need. It is the unseen things in many individuals that God sees and knows. Take time to know someone. Know their story. See their struggle.

You are what you see...be careful little eyes what you see...

There are times that what we choose to see determines our response or our reaction to a person or situation. The unfortunate truth is for many of us in this busy culture of have more, do more, be more- we become short sighted. We don't see the whole story. I believe for us this is true. For those of you who knew us, you know we loved our children dearly and had wonderful times together as a family. There are those who don't know us or that fact who will see how Joey passed away and see something different than the truth. Why is that? It's uncomfortable processing what happened to our family so it's almost easier to explain it away as some sort of dysfunction or maybe a genetic trait. But sadly it is just a very unfortunate circumstance that not only happened to our family but happens to many families each and every year. Teen suicide has been steadily rising each year for the last 5 years.

Victim or Survivor?

How do you see me? Ask yourself this question. Am I a victim of suicide loss or a survivor of suicide loss? I define myself as a survivor and that is very important to me and to every member of my family. By defining me as a victim, there must be a perpetrator. That now adds a very heavy burden on us as parents to determine that we raised a child who would intentionally turn us into victims. You see, that is not the case at all. Joey was not well and this world had him convinced he must actually save us from his sickness. We pray each day for God to give us the strength and wisdom we need to get through this. I pray for any individual affected by any loss for strength and wisdom to simply do what is next. My dear sweet brother has just started walking this path with his young family. I hope to be a present listening sister who can cry with him when needed, listen always, talk when asked and pray fervently for his family.

Gazing at the world, glancing at God

Recently at a church sermon I heard this life is so easy to fixate on. There are so many things here that can take over our gaze. But if we simply keep things in perspective understanding that these are glances. If we set our eyes on God, that is an eternal gaze with heaven in mind. I cling to my faith and the promise that I will see my Joey again one day.

This Christmas season I encourage you to hold on to the memories. They are precious and can bring joy and light to a heart experiencing despair. In some way grasp those treasures in your mind and find that feeling you had that day. I am grateful for every moment I had with Joey. They are gifts. I can say the same for all my family I have lost in the last few years.

I enjoy video calls with my mom and she is still pretty good but I often bring up fond memories with her, family stories and she always knows, we usually can even share a laugh together if there was humor in that day which is most often the case in my family. As a result of walking this Alzheimer's journey with mom, it has given me newfound appreciation for those other memories of Joey and even my sister in law Laurel. Those memories are lights that can show you the way through your dark grieving times. God has placed those memories in your mind as a comfort.

Those who have loved and lost will often talk about their loved one often. Ask them about their loved one, talk about them. It may seem awkward or even difficult but it is part of their grief journey and will help in their healing.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him will have everlasting life.

This verse is a light for me that was instilled in me long ago through my wonderful parents. Find your light, use that light for others. There are some who's light is very dim this year and the holidays is not easy for them. Be present. Listen and show them the love shown to me by so many.

I will close with another Christmas song that I enjoy. Ironically it is from the movie, Home Alone but the lyrics hit home.

I wish you all a healthy and safe Christmas. May you enjoy those you love whether by phone, video call or in person. Make cherished memories and hold them close to your heart.