Every day after the initial day is one on sort of a shock state. There is so much happening around you and the love and support in that week is so real and present. You are connected to some amazing people who have walked in your shoes, strangers who you have never met before but are messaging online in the middle of the night questioning these feelings you have and this storm you are in. It's surreal in one way you are just strengthened somehow by that love and support. You also start to question yourself as a parent, did I miss something? Did I not know my child? Then you read the many comments on his obituary page written for you by Lindsai at the funeral home. Those comments give you reassurance that your son was the same person they knew as well.
The Funeral- the Up
The Funeral was very important to me. Why? I guess it's the last exposure the public will have of my son and I want him honored in the way he lived not the way he died. While the suffering he had internally and the overlooked mental illness challenges he had were on my mind, I wanted him to be honored that day. I also wanted those that were his age and possibly struggling to reach out and get help. My husband was sort of in a shock state as well and the two of us sort of just walked this path together almost in a confused way. You just sort of try to keep that next step in front of you. You think mostly about today and getting through that. Tomorrow will come but in that moment it's today and getting through today. I had been writing and truly felt like Joe or I needed to speak at the funeral and acknowledge our son in the most real way. I had been writing something all week and felt the need to share it. Some of my family traveled from the west coast to be present and help where needed. This was yet more evidence of love that I needed to see and God knew that. The funeral took place on Saturday, March 30 and was an uplifting experience. I would never wish this event on anyone, No one should have to bury their child but when a young person's funeral happens, the youth present at that event is so real. Families and young people there to help you and acknowledge the goodness of your child. We came out of the funeral feeling comforted and even stronger knowing that this community is behind us on this. You think to yourself how can we not make it through with all that support? The songs, the message, the love, the help....
Fargo-Back Down we go
Coming off the funeral we knew there was one more big hurdle to get through, going to Fargo to meet with law enforcement and pick up his belongings and vehicle from the campus. We decided the Friday after the funeral should be that day. His brothers wanted to go and you are in a place where you want the siblings to be healthy.. It's actually a struggle to leave those teenage brothers alone in these first few weeks. You just worry about them. Fear just haunts you as a parent....What is going to happen in Fargo... How hard is this going to be? You know that you have a connection up there who has brought you comfort and reassurance (the coroner) so you have faith that he will be there if necessary. There was a song that was so real to me in these moments, "Fear is a Liar" by Zach Williams. Fear and the mental illness that compounded it took my son. Fear is such a liar sometimes. I had to keep this in mind going to Fargo. We left in the morning and were blessed to be able to take one of Joey's closest friends out to lunch. This was tough as he had sensed Joey's suffering and was worried about him. In the end Joey was pushing him away which was something that made us sad. We then head to the campus police station and Joe and I have to sit in a room with the criminal investigator, Coroner and Police Lt. They essentially describe to you in the kindest way possible their findings and what still needs to happen. That night comes back in this moment.... these three voices are the first voices on the phone that night with me telling me what happened. They are pretty fact based attempting to make this as good as possible but is there a way? The coroner knows your heart and has been so empathetic to your journey thus far. You know he won't let it be that bad. Unfortunately there isn't a way to give that information to parents without suffering. It's just part of the loss in the most tangible real way.
We then get his truck and load up his belongings in our van. All those items are labeled with labels I made for him with his name and dorm room. Labels that I last saw in a time that seemed so happy and full of excitement. The day we dropped him off at his dorm room in August. Those labels that helped those moving his stuff in know where it goes. Campus police takes us to his truck to bring it back to station to load up the stuff. I am nervous, fear is trying to take hold of this situation. What am I going to find in that truck? Is there going to be another shocking moment? The truck was pretty clean as it should be since I had cleared out half of a fast food restaurant about 2 weeks before when he was home on spring break. My Mom and Dad were with us for this Fargo trip but didn't quite grasp the depth of this moment. My mom has recently been struggling with some short term memory issues and my dad has showed some signs as well. The two of them riding with my son and I in our car on the way home was somewhat of a welcomed distraction in it's own way. They just thought the drive was beautiful. (scenery) They liked seeing the small snow piles in fields. I can tell you those of us who live here this year had seen enough of those "snow piles". We made it home. It was very hard and brought us down pretty low. It was real, his empty truck now parked in front of the house, his "labeled" dorm room belongings stacked in the garage, his bedroom hollow. But in this moment again I have to hear that song that is so true....
"Fear is a Liar". My clock radio is set to go off most days at 6:00 AM but I'm usually awake. As I am typing this...the song "Fear is a Liar" is what was playing on the radio when it went off at 6:00 AM today. Thank you God for that morning surprise.
I think of the verse that we had read at the funeral, a verse that I was living by every day, every step, every moment as a mother, a grieving mother.
"Do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10