Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for what he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
Grand Teton National Park 2012
The Dash
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning… to the end.
He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time they spent alive on earth and now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own, the cars… the house… the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard; are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left that still can be rearranged.
To be less quick to anger and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile… remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.
So when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash, would you be proud of the things they say about how you lived your dash?
Let me preface this entry by saying that I was feeling pretty down which is not uncommon in child loss grief on holidays when I started writing this. I went for a drive to the cemetery to place fresh flowers on Joey's stone. There were so many there most likely honoring their wives and mothers. As I was driving on the freeway getting closer to Ft. Snelling, a song came on the Christian radio station. The song played at his funeral. "Through it all, it is well". This helped redirect my focus on God and off myself. I am learning to focus on my faith and my healing in those moments when I need to just step away. God is always there waiting for me and carrying me through it all.
Mom's Day
What a special day for so many to celebrate those women in our lives who brought us into this world. I am so blessed to have been raised by a woman who truly lived her faith out loud with humility and grace. In the last few years I have noticed even from 2000 miles away that she just wasn't able to do some of the things she once could. What a treasured blessing to be able to spend time with both my parents this summer relocating them to a more supportive living environment that could help. Little did I know she would be diagnosed with Alzheimers and Dementia just 7 months later and be placed in full time memory care. You see the mom I knew is starting to slip into heaven. It may be just like her toe touching the water at this time but I see that the mom I knew will not return to me here. I will have to wait to see her again there so I am going to spend some time on her dash instead of her diagnosis.
Jacqueline Ruth Swaney was born in Oregon to Fern and Clifford Conrad who had a farm at that time. She loved animals and her sister. She met my father in high school and they were married after graduation. She worked hard as a secretary at Graybar Electric to put my dad through school so he could be a teacher. They were very involved in Central Bible Church in Portland and soon after I was born felt led to the mission field. We moved to Manila, Philippines in 1973 where my dad taught science at Faith Academy and mom led backyard bible clubs for locals. I was 3 years old. I remember mom just having the greatest time despite the circumstances. She later told me a story about the cockroaches. See the trick was to turn on the light and leave your eyes closed for a few minutes while they scattered. There was a night when she felt something on her face and it was a roach on her face taking a drink from her mouth. She would laugh. Not much phased her. She also was pregnant in Manila and gave birth to my brother Matt there. He had pretty bad allergies soon after birth and she adapted as she always did. She is blessed with that quality.
We returned from Manila and my dad got a job in Seaside teaching science. Mom stayed home to take care of Matt but soon decided to take night classes locally to get her teaching degree. She graduated from Linfield college and got a teaching job in Astoria, Oregon. It was not soon after that our family decided to relocate to Oceanside, California where my dad had gotten a high school teaching job and mom an elementary. There were a few things that didn't quite work out in the move including the sale of our Seaside house so clearly now that I look back on it we had to do some extra stuff to pay the bills. We became night custodians at a law office and preschool cleaning the garbages, floors, windows and trash. Mom made it fun. We each had a duty, Matt garbages, me bathrooms, mom windows/mirrors and dad floors. I never looked back on that as a struggling time because mom always brought joy to any situation and she is just has a calming presence.
Our second year in California brought a few more challenges as mom found out she had breast cancer. She still taught while going through treatment and just made sure she took friday afternoon off to have chemo so she could be sick all weekend and she was sick. It was hard to see but she got through it and was free of cancer for 12 years. It was at that time another cancer decided to pay her a visit completely unrelated to first but found in remaining breast. Removal and reconstruction was all she needed this time which was so exciting for her as she was able to wear a V neck dress to my wedding. Mom continued teaching in CA until she retired and touched many students lives. It amazes me that she has students who have grown up to be amazing individuals who are sending mom cards in memory care.
You see, her dash is still happening but the impact she had on people is blessing her now. I am so grateful that others see her like I did. She was an amazingly strong woman who was selfless as a mother.
My Joy in motherhood
I experienced the joy of motherhood for 19 years straight. Those many proud moments that you just know your child worked hard for something they accomplished. Those comfort moments when your child is hurt and you are there to make it better. Those life lesson moments when they make an unwise decision and learn from it. God blessed me with these moments and I hope I didn't take them for granted. I am still experiencing the joy of motherhood but it is sidelined in our family with grief so it's not quite the same.
Unfortunately the darkness of our society pulled at one of my children convincing him of so many lies which led to his suicide. I can tell you that there are many who would say things like "you are lucky you have three other children". I am so blessed by that fact
I recently had a challenging encounter with an acquaintance of a family member. These are those haunting moments you just would soon forget. This person knew I had a connection somehow to the family (related) and wanted to be the one to tell me about the suicide in that family. It was the first time I felt the shame of the subject of suicide because this person was talking about my son loss as almost news. I proceeded to tell them it was my son and tell them about Joey. You see I want Joey's dash to matter as much as the topic of his suicide does. There are certain types of death that make the dash disappear. This loss is profound and significant to someone so I would ask each of us to make an effort to sympathize with the family that lost that individual as much as any other. Of course it is a challenge to "celebrate" a life when it comes to a death of despair (suicide, drugs, etc). But I think about suicide historically and how the family was punished for the individuals suicide. It was that shameful. One thing I have learned is the word "committed" is a word we stay away from in the suicide loss survivor community. I had never experienced the sting of that word by anyone until the unexpected conversation that day. For me it was the common term most use but in the community we prefer "died by suicide" or "lost to suicide". That day I heard the phrase "did you know....committed suicide?" not realizing who I was. The word committed that day definitely had an added sting for the first time in my journey.
God Blessed me with my children and I do not take any single moment for granted now. I do feel like I lost some in my complacency then. My other three children while in grief like the rest of us have joy in their moments and that joy is a blessing from above. While motherhood has also caused a hole in my heart that will be there forever, it also contains the joy that I experience now with them and the joy in that dash of 19 years.
Your Dash
I would encourage you to take a moment to consider your dash. Consider those lives around you that you are impacting. Think about the dash with every loss we encounter not just the famous people who's lives are well known. Consider every dash.
Dignify the dash.
Not for a moment (After All) by Meredith Andrews
Funeral Song: It is well
Breath Prayer is something helpful I found through Belle Donne
One more helpful thing for me personally was Kay Warren's Belle Donne's gathering for grieving women. Kay lost a son to suicide and her mother to Alzheimers so she is a good resource for me.
One last helpful thing from Belle Donne was these coloring sheets.
If you would like more information about Belle Donne by Kay Warren, here is the link:
