This journey is a challenging one to say the least as a mother. You drop your kid off at college four hours away in August all smiles. It’s now a time when he should have come home And you see all those from his class have returned. Seniors are graduating from high school and even college. Celebrations are happening all around. I always was a positive person enjoying those times celebrating others. Why is it so hard for me now? It seems so selfish to be affected by their accomplishments. i actually have dual reactions. I am happy their child is not struggling like mine was and is able to clearly see tomorrow with hope. In the same moment, I’m sad that my child couldn’t see the hope and let that awful depression consume him in the end.
I have a couple go to songs that help. “Fear is a Liar“ by Zach Williams is such a true song. Fear truly is a liar. “You are my hiding place” by Selah is a song I have relied on for comfort since I was a teenager.
I believe God has a plan for me and want others to somehow be helped by Joeys story. He would want others helped as well.
Joey was a good kid. I know everyone says that but we really didn’t have any issues, not a speeding ticket, no high school late night calls, nothing. He generally worked or went to school. He had 15K saved up for his first year of college and worked very hard for that. He chose Fargo because it seemed far away from home. He really wanted to go out of state but there weren’t a lot of affordable options. Joey wasn’t a fan of Fargo right off the bat but he didn’t tell us. His depression may have prevented him from connecting anywhere socially as his self esteem was such a struggle. Academically college wasn’t a problem at all. In fact he had a 3.5 GPA the day he passed away. it was the pressures socially with that low self worth that really tormented him.
Its impossible as a parent not to wonder what I could have done differently or how I could have saved that child I loved. I have three other kids who I now worry about and over analyze each reaction they have to a situation wondering if they are okay. They are all getting help which brings me comfort. This is why Faith is truly all I can have in this moment. Faith that god knows my others children’s heart and is helping them through this.
God did reveal that hope to me in a very real way. Our daughter Jacque graduates from college amidst all of this. She and her brother were very close and she was reaching out to him to help. Upon hearing this news she was deeply affected and as a mother I couldn’t say “it will be alright, you just focus on school”. I knew those words weren’t any words she could even hear that week. The fact that she somehow made it through those classes this semester specifically amazes me and gave me such hope. She represented hope in every way that day and when she looked up at me and I happen to have my phone up this beautiful moment was captured. A moment of relief, hope, celebration and maturity. This moment showed me I must keep celebrating others accomplishments big and small asyou don’t know what they went through to get there big or small.
