It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure....You provide a broad path for me feet so that my ankles do not give way.
Psalm 18:32, 36
For those of you who know me, you know I have been an Amy Grant fan since the 1980's. Her Christmas concerts are a tradition for me and one of my favorite songs of hers is "breath of Heaven". This song is written from Mary's perspective with the weight on her shoulders knowing she is carrying Jesus. I have found a very real connection to the lyrics of this song recently. My role as a daughter and as a mother are making the words so real. It was ironic at the concert this year. Amy Grant said that she wrote this song when she was much younger and thinking of it from Mary's perspective but now that she has children and grandchildren she has learned it can apply as well to those mothers who have lost a child. There are days like the day I was traveling back to Minnesota and had to leave my mom with her struggles in tears. The human side of me is truly frightened by this load I bear but I wait in silent prayer asking Jesus to be with me now, be with me now.
"I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now"
While I was in Oregon, a news story came across locally. A 9 year old 4th grade boy in a town nearby our location had died by suicide. His aunt told news agencies he was a nice boy but was bullied online. "In a world as cold as stone" Unfortunately for many of these suffering children, the internet has turned into their cold as stone world. It is where they are bullied and are able to most likely find their own sad solution to their pain. This permanent decision to solve a temporary problem is the only way they see it. The digital advancement of our society has created isolation in our youth. I think back to when I was young and if someone was bullied it had to happen at a place where others were present and exposed to the victim and the bully. We processed this as children by witnessing it in person on both sides or even partaking in it. for many who were there it created empathy and compassion. Fast forward to our digital age and these individuals are seeing these online comments while home alone. I would ask each and every one of you to pray for these families who suffer suicide loss but in this moment please lift up this family in Oregon City, Oregon. Unfortunately in this cold world they may be experiencing judgement. It's sometimes so uncomfortable to even consider the topic of suicide as it is frightening. As a result, we often choose to pass judgement on the family to bring relief to our own discomfort. I would ask you to please come to these moments with compassion like so many are still doing in our situation. While I was in Oregon someone reached out to me so we could get together. She is someone who lost her son years ago and connected with me over breakfast and prayer. Her story is absolutely helping me giving her a purpose in her pain. These families are dealing with so much and simply need someone to walk along side them.
"Do you wonder as you watch my face
if a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
for the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me"
There are some pretty good "ugly cry" moments in this journey. If you are struggling with emotion and need a place just to release that there are quite a few good options I have found. The shower, the car while driving, the bathroom and of course anywhere in nature on your own. I do wonder if a "wiser" one should have had my place but then I realize my role as a mother and daughter is one I have always cherished. When life is predictable and comfortable, it's easy to only want the good and not the bad. Life has both hills and valleys. With every life there will be a loss and someone somewhere will be grieving it. With some lives there is suffering. God gives us the strength by carrying us and bringing people into our lives with kindness and compassion.
"Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
Breath of Heaven"
Hold me together. If I were to paint a picture of what this looks like for our family I would frame the photo and break the glass where Joey is. The fracture in the glass would start there and splinter across the rest of the family in it's own way. While the picture itself is still whole the damage is there. I don't believe they comprehend the pain this will instill on those left behind. Their pain often supersedes that and they simply cannot see it. Our family is each grieving in our own way all very differently as is normal. I cherish any moments I have with them at this point because NOTHING is taken for granted.
I want to wish each and every one of you a wonderfully cherished time with your loved ones this Christmas. Celebrate the birth of Jesus and the gift he brought to this broken world.