Consider it a sheer gift, friends when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. James 1:2-4 MSG
"It's the most wonderful time of the year, there be kids jingle belling and everyone telling you be of good cheer......when friends come to call....it's the hap happiest season of all." But for some of those out there suffering in grief, is it the most wonderful time of the year?
Accepting the heaviness of change. As I look back on the first holidays that year, the most challenging year of my life, I am able to see it clearer now. While you are in survival mode, it is a very heavy time. There are so many situations that just seem safer to avoid. Learn to accept things as they come while keeping the expectations of yourself and others realistic. It becomes a valuable lesson to learn to accept instead of expect with the "firsts" that year. Not only are you grieving the loss of that loved one but there seems to be signs everywhere that you should be happy. Literally and figuratively.
I can recall a funny commercial that came out in the last years. The campaign for this company is you are becoming your parents and in one of those commercials the young person has word art for their wall, you know "live, laugh, love" and "thankful, grateful, blessed". Yes I was one of those word on the wall people. Our family was so fortunate to be able to take some wonderful memory filled road trips across the country and I didn't have any photos on my wall of those times so there was a year I decided to make a blessing wall. The middle of the wall says "blessed" with evidence of those trips (blessings) all around. That wall was very hard to look at initially without tears and even naturally anger. It brought on a hard conversation with God in Grief. One that brings on my title to this blog. Blessed? Really God? This is Blessed? It's that emotional outpouring that needs to happen between the suffering and their creator to get to that place of healing. I see it everywhere, Blessed. I question it Blessed? And God answers Blessed! Look at all you were able to experience with Joey each and every wonderful memory? While his life was shorter than you had planned, look at the positive impact he had on your life. Remember that, be grateful for it and now use what you are going through to help others. "Emily, you are blessed, you just cannot see it but you will in time through those tears, just keep your eyes on me" So, in time I have learned to accept the "blessings" with the trials, to look for the light in that darkness and understand the emotions as they come.
If you know someone who has experienced a loss this past year and this is their first holidays, I would encourage you to be present in their story. This season can be filled with reminders and cannot be avoided but can be managed. They are processing a new void in their life that simply cannot be filled with tinsel and lights. If there are young kids in the home, I recently saw such a nice gift online that had been given to a family grieving. It was the game of Bingo along with a bag of prizes. If they are newly alone in their home, offer to meet them for dinner or drop one off. We have occasionally heard from friends with a card filled with heartfelt meaningful words of compassion and kindness. My husband that doesn't talk too openly about this grief yet he appreciates those cards so much and often puts them up so we can remember we are loved and cared for. Words matter and can have such a positive impact. We are truly comforted by these kind gestures still almost 3 years later.
"He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:4"
In grief and loss, I personally find that you feel things so much deeper. There have been huge blessings after Joey and I can recall that joy is such a deeply happy joy. I've never had so many happy tears as I have in these last few years. It's all of that emotion that we generally keep "managed" but when a moment hits, you are so proud, relieved, grateful, happy, and the feels are deep. Accept that joy when it comes, it is okay to experience joy, laughs, smiles following a loss. Believe me, the first time you have laugh out loud following your loss, you question yourself and whether you deserve that moment. But those are moments of GRACE so embrace them. Laughter was a big part of my family growing up. We always found a way to find that joy even in circumstances where it wasn't necessarily there.
I recently had an unexpected joy moment that I embraced. A friend and I went to a local craft fair and I have just appreciate any decor that includes a tree theme of sorts. Any creative way to incorporate trees into your art I am drawn to. Joey loved trees and spent a lot of time in the trees in our yard growing up so that gives them deeper meaning. They also just tower over us in some places sheltering us from the storm. There was an artist at this craft fair that had crosses made from tree slices and heart rocks. One of their items for sale was a wood carved nativity that had small slices of tree with a perfect star in the center. I was so intrigued by this and the artist explained to me the cottonwood tree and the perfect star that is in the small twigs of the tree about every 4 inches. This was one of those deep meaning moments for me and the artist had no idea. The two large trees in our backyard that Joey was either climbing or swinging from the rope swing the majority of his life are cottonwood trees. Once home from this craft fair I went to the backyard and found a twig and cut it with a hacksaw to reveal the perfect 5 point star. While this may not hold much significance for someone else, it was an unforgettable moment for me.
Some moments that are harder to accept are the grief places in which you find yourself following your loss. I wish I could say they are predictable but they just always aren't. It may be in the candy aisle at the grocery store staring at a bag of swedish fish. Moments like this which initially are like salt in a wound become moments of memory. It's an acceptance of the wonderful memories and learning to appreciate them. Tears will happen. You will learn to navigate the emotions and those tears are a gift of expression that affirms an internal longing.
There are other deeply sinking moments. For me these moments often involve a story I hear of a child/teen/young adult either suffering with mental health or even a story of suicide loss.
Recently a story hit close locally in a neighboring town. Apparently some young people made a video saying things to another young person who has had struggles with depression. These other children were saying the unthinkable to this girl encouraging her to no longer be in this life. I felt compelled to write as you all know I do so this is something I sent to the local paper.
In light of the recent event involving Prior Lake High schooler, I felt the need to share my heart. I first want to give you some background on myself, you see, I am the mother of a child who was lost to suicide. While each suicide story is unique to itself, all of us grieving suicide loss mothers due feel a deep connection to stories such as this one. I was told about the contents of this video which is what led me to write.
It would seem that our youth is so manipulated by social media attention at times that it has stolen their compassion and empathy. We hurt for all the kids in this story because each of them at some point in their life had love in their hearts and yet for some that love and even joy was taken over by depression and others that love taken over by attention seeking hate filled words. How has it come to this that one child is encouraging another child to essentially disappear? Do they know what they are saying? Have they experienced a trauma like mine? Do they understand what it is to love someone and lose them to the darkness of depression? I do not know their stories but what I do know is the statistics and they don’t lie.
The upward trend of suicide in our teens was on the rise drastically before Covid. The updated statistics will not be out until 2022 but I can only anticipate what I have seen personally. That includes many mothers across the country who have joined this unfortunate club. All of us deeply broken hearted struggling with the one thing that comes with child suicide loss: Guilt. We of course know and learn it is not our fault but it does like to linger and haunt. The sad trend I have noticed is the ages are younger and younger whether it is a challenge the children are seeing online or they are being bullied online or at school or they just simply have so much more information to process at their age than we did as children. I don’t know the answer but one thing I do know is our elementary schools in every community have made a concerted effort to make kindness and anti bullying part of their curriculum and yet we still see this trend especially in the secondary grades.
I believe social media plays a big role in this trend. Of course, I am just a suicide loss mom but when I hear these stories, social media is often involved. It could be the person who may be struggling with suicidal ideation seeking out approval, advice from social media for their decision, the ruthless bullying that takes place on social media or even now the eagerness to get views on a video posted on social media. We are losing our kids in this trend and we must fight back with the truth.
I do not know the solution to this ongoing issue but what I do know is we have to build resilience and compassion in our kids. Teach them about the dangers of social media, help them understand those standards they see on social media aren’t real. That is a split second moment in a person’s life that they posted for a reason. They get to choose what they post and it’s rarely the worst look on the worst day. I talk to teens anytime I can about the broader picture on social media to help them understand how small that moment is in that person’s life truly. It defines them the moment the photo was taken not that night not even the next day.
Each of the children in this story have their own story. Why are they making this choice? I can guarantee that none of them want to be living my story in their future and if they could just somehow see that, their words may be different. Of course there are those of you who will say there is no hope for kids like that, they are trouble and always will be. I may have even been you at one point but losing a child to suicide changes you. You simply cannot judge in that way anymore when it comes to another person’s child because everyone was shocked by your child. You became that story. You were that mom. It’s an interesting perspective shift in loss. Your response to an awful news story involving a young person making an unexpected choice is generally feeling empathy and compassion for his mother, father, grandparent, educator... whoever made the effort with that child.
There is hope for change but it will take us approaching suicide prevention like we do kindness, talk about it. Our kids know all about it if they are online so I would encourage you to find a suicide loss organization or site that may have a story appropriate to share with a child you have at home any age. These stories need to be told and our young people need to understand the dangers. Help them know that there are times they may not feel okay and that is normal. Help them know that they don’t have to measure up to that kid on social media, they are their own unique person and perfect in your eyes. Teach them about depression and anxiety. You will not be introducing it to them, they know but help them to understand their emotions and find skill sets that can help them through a crisis if they find themselves there. If you have a child already struggling, you know what many of us moms living in this know, we wish we would have talked to them about this topic earlier. Create safety plans for your children, it is paramount that they know they can come to you no matter what. My son was 19 and a freshman in college and he truly felt it was his burden to carry while there. Unfortunately he did not survive his battle with depression that freshman year. I encourage everyone to take a moment to talk about this with your teen, pre teen, even younger. Our kids are losing the resilience necessary to process these deep rooted emotions that can often be internalized in this culture.
Lastly I will leave you with a quote, “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose INFINITE HOPE” Martin Luther King Jr.
I think of each child in this story uniquely, what brought them to make this choice on this day and do they know the depth of the consequences? It has become so "normal" for kids to be able to say the unthinkable but I believe hiding behind a screen has created a whole new norm. Can we truly listen if our communication takes place primarily on a screen? Do we hear what some are saying?
My childhood memories come to mind. Words mattered and had your words were often processed in face to face encounters. It caused you to think twice as you got matured. That "think twice" has been taken by social media. It's now more of a say it harsher because you don't have to process your actions anyway at home on your couch. We have desensitized how truly dangerous the tongue can be. "A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire. Proverbs 15:1"
Think before you speak and find a way to use your words to bring a smile to others faces. It will benefit you both. It can be your gift this holiday season.
In closing, two songs have been in mind recently for me and they happen to both be country. One song I sang to my babies when they were small, "I hope you Dance" and the other song by Garth Brooks. "The Dance" I can truly say I connect with more than ever when remembering Joey.
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder....
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance....
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean...
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens....
Promise me you will give faith a fighting chance...
And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance....I hope you dance....
.......Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the PAIN
But I'd have had to miss the Dance....