Romans 15:1-2
We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.
Another huge challenge in grief is expectations. You initially may put societal expectations on yourself and others may have expectations as well. Tedious is the only word that comes to mind when I see Expectation and Grief in the same sentence. There really can be no expectations of you in grief unless of course you are slipping into depression and your daily tasks are being affected. This is definitely when you need to get additional help.
It’s easy on the outside to read through the stages of grief and check the boxes that you see completed in your grieving friend but that isn’t reality. Each individual loss has it’s own unique circumstances and with those come a unique grief journey. In my own family, I was able to witness how differently the 5 of us processed losing Joey. It was very different and believe me I initially had “expectations” that our family would be gathered together processing this with each other in our living room talking through it like group therapy. But that just isn’t reality and I had to drop expect quickly and replace it with ACCEPT.
Our road through grief is one of Accept and Adapt. Emotions may come on unexpectedly and we accept them, manage through them and adapt to our circumstance as a result. Initially it is exhausting to juggle this as you aren’t sure when and where this is going to occur. But, over time, a majority of these reactions become somewhat predictable. A huge part of the healing is learning about your grief, your trauma triggers and those things that give you an emotional ambush. I learned not to fight these unpredictable moments but accept them and adapt to them. Do not ignore them or try to block them out, they are not going anywhere and repressing will simply lead to unhealthy releases.
Keep in mind if you know someone who is grieving a loss and haven’t witness the emotion you expect to see, it’s not always something they will show. I know with a shocking tragic loss, for some that emotion takes a long time to find it’s way out. The shock just creates a fog of disbelief that must be processed through first. There are also those who are not comfortable showing emotions around others. It may be their upbringing or just their personality. But again I caution us all to not create expectations for them in their journey. Instead I invented a new word for your next scrabble game, Accept-tations. If we as friends and family of those who have suffered a loss focus on accepting their response and adapting to it, what a difference that will make in their story. They will feel as though you are walking beside them, not in front and not behind.
In the same manner if we are the person who has suffered a loss, if we focus the minute amount of energy we have on accepting the emotion and adapting to it, we will start to see growth in the process. I find that if I try and repress a sad moment and don’t allow it to release at some point, it changes into anger or bitterness very easily. For me personally a good cry is actually transformative and healing. Those moments alone with God just grieving have a depth I cannot describe. There is a peace that comes with those tears and anguish when you allow for them. It’s a natural human response to love unfinished and you are honoring that love in your tears.
Our culture is not comfortable with grievers, grief and loss. Back to normal is expected sooner than later for the sake of those around that person. But I believe this is often fear based especially with a child loss. It’s everyone’s worst nightmare so best just not to think about it and hope that person appears fine soon so we aren’t uncomfortable. It’s okay to be afraid of something like suicide and someone losing their child to depression but I encourage you to think beyond your fears. That person grieving a suicide is dealing with multiple layers of societal responses to their loss. They are haunted with speculation and questions because suicide simply doesn’t make sense. I have become an advocate for Joey to defend the life he lived so the focus is not on his battle lost.
Accepting my grief and adapting to the emotions that come with that has been a process of growth for me as a person. This truly can be applied to any loss in life I believe.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in HOPE.