John 8:32
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
There is that phrase that comes to mind "absence makes the heart grow fonder" which is so true in life. While absence in loss has a bit of a different effect. Your heart does have an undeniable fondness for the loved one you lost, you seek truth in that loss at times. The truth in many ways brings clarity to your confusion, accuracy to your story, and honesty to your emotion. You are able to understand your path in grief and seek comfort in the truth.
Seeking the truth provides some comfort for the grieving soul. I find myself seeking truth informationally, socially, spiritually and mentally.
Let's start with seeking truth informationally. I have found myself doing research on suicide and dementia recently as these two things are a real part of my life currently. I have not been directly affected by either in the past and so find it necessary to be informed.
When it comes to suicide, I personally want to connect with other suicide loss individuals to learn how they got through these moments. I want to hear their stories and understand their grief journey through their loss. That isolated feeling that suicide leaves with you is diminished by these connections and by the information they provide. I attend a SAVE support group for suicide loss survivors once a month and belong to a few online groups of suicide loss mothers. The sad part of belonging to these groups is seeing the membership numbers continue to grow. Consider yourself blessed if you have not been affected by the heartbreaking devastation of suicide. I find myself learning about mental illness, anti depressants, and anything else that may have given our story a different ending. All suicide is on an upswing in our day and age. Teen suicide is sadly rising at an alarming rate. Our young people are struggling in dealing with the pain of depression and anxiety. It is often hard for the boys to ask for help especially due to the stigma attached to mental illness. Recently at our local high school duck cup memorial provided a speaker on recognizing those thoughts and finding the help needed to get through them. I am told that there were students who reached out who may not have otherwise done so. This is something that happened after we lost Joey but gives me reassurance that another "Joey" may be helped before it ever gets to that point.
I would encourage anyone to be as informed as possible when it comes to their children. My son left for college very independent. He wanted to be a man and even wanted to "carry this burden himself" because he was a man. I would encourage these young men to understand involving their family makes them no less of a man. I would also help them understand that it takes a lot of strength to be a man of integrity in this online digital social media age. I recently met up with an old friend and we were discussing the pressure these young men carry to maintain their reputation and meet societal norms. Our society wants these men to have the strength to carry it all while having the sensitivity to stay emotionally balanced.
I also find myself learning about dementia. My parents are pretty new to this struggle but seeing the journey of dementia starting has got me looking into what the future holds for them and their mind in it's current state. Ironically recently I reconnected with an old friend. She contacted me after hearing about Joey. She recently lost her dear husband to early onset alzheimers at the age of 59. She has become an incredible resource for me on many levels and it truly was no accident that out of the blue God brought back this connection now.
Socially seeking the truth has been something that is paramount in this grief journey. I find myself seeking out those in my life who are true and always have been. If you have a friend who is grieving a loss, I would encourage you to be real and true with them. Walk alongside them not in front or behind them. Help them understand you are there to listen and be present when needed. This is what a griever needs and is comforted by.
I am a people person and always have been but I must tell you that I am learning that time on my own is needed in order for me to get through each day. I am learning to not allow other people's expectations for my journey dictate my response. I would encourage you to simply support and offer that compassion that a broken hearted mother like myself needs. There are so many amazing individuals who provide that encouragement by listening or just being there when needed. When grieving you must be intentional with your connections and sometimes intentional with your conversations. The typical "how's it going" question takes on a whole new meaning. Lighthearted questions or phrases once said in passing for a griever carry a depth that many don't realize. You may ask me how's it going on a day that it is a struggle to fight back the tears. I will definitely be more honest with you. I will answer with "okay" or "all right" because for me the truth is what needs to be told. I will not be able to say "great" or even "good". My grief is honest. Acknowledge it to your safe friends and family when you are able. If you are in a place where it needs to stay contained, spend some time with yourself later allowing that pain to be released. Recognize the needs of your heart and emotion.
For me as a grieving parent I find comfort in God. I reach out to him in prayer for comfort only a comfort he can provide. I submit to God for strength to get through each step. Prayer sometimes includes specific words and requests and other times prayer is simply a deep meditating openness allowing God to work in your heart when all else seems to be too much too handle. Lament is a word recently discussed at Griefshare. We must bring our lament to God. The word is so perfect as means a passionate expression of grief and sorrow. God knows our pain, he feels our suffering. He grieves for us. There is a song that states "at the cross, I lay down my burdens". This very much holds true for me. Within this group Griefshare I attend there are so many bible references and connect to grief and pain and the healing God can bring to the mourning. Be true with God, pour out all your pain to him and open your heart to that comfort he brings. A poem that defines this:
My life is but a weaving, between my God and me,
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Ofttimes he weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.
Not till the loom is silent, and the shuttles cease to fly,
Will God unroll the canvas, and explain the reasons why
The dark threads are as needful in the skillful weaver's hand
As threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.
There is one thing I can say in the past I have not struggled with that I knew of: Depression and Anxiety. I may have been nervous or "bummed" but it didn't become my mindset. With suicide loss you end up with both whether situationally or permanently. I am not afraid or ashamed to admit I had to seek counseling and get help for what was going on in my head after we lost Joey. There are times we must be true with ourselves and understand when we need help for our mental health. This is day and age where many things come at you quickly and you must process that accordingly. While under stress from a loss while grieving, it can be a real challenge to admit you need help. The stigma is still there when it comes to mental health. A stigma that stereotypes but I would ask anyone who may think that way to consider walking in the shoes of that person suffering first before you pass judgement on their challenges. For me seeing a therapist has provided so much added TRUTH when it comes to suicide and mental health. God has brought me clarity through this therapist. She has helped me understand my minds responses and helped me recognize those thoughts coming from a dark place and those that will help me get through it. Mentally I also have to be honest with myself with what I can handle both personally and professionally. I must be true with my grief and my journey through it.
In order to keep seeking truths in my life I have decided I must make a list of my blessings. I will start with 100 blessings and try and get to 200. This will help to balance that despair that suicide loss causes.
A verse to contemplate:
Philipians 4:8
And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
This was recently sent to me regarding suicide loss and it very much encompasses many of the feelings we as survivors think and feel.
"When someone takes his own life" by Norman Vincent Peale
In many ways, this seems the most tragic form of death. Certainly it can entail more shock and grief for those who are left behind than any other. And often the stigma of suicide is what rests most heavily on those left behind.
Suicide is often judged to be essentially a selfish act. Perhaps it is. But the Bible warns us not to judge, if we ourselves hope to escape judgment. And I believe this is one area where that Biblical command especially should be heeded.
For we do not know how many valiant battles such a person may have fought and won before he loses that one particular battle. And is it fair that all good acts and impulses of such a person should be forgotten or blotted out by his final tragic act?
I think our reaction should be one of love and pity, not of condemnation. Perhaps the person was not thinking clearly in his final moments; perhaps he was so driven by emotional whirlwinds that he was incapable of thinking at all. This is terribly sad. But surely it is understandable. All of us have moments when we lose control of ourselves, flashes of temper, of irritation, of selfishness that we later regret. Each one of us, probably, has a final breaking point – or would have if our faith did not sustain us. Life puts far more pressure on some of us than it does on others. Some people have more stamina than others. When I see in the paper, as I do all too often, that dark despair has rolled over some lonely soul, so much so that for him life seemed unendurable, my reaction is not one of condemnation. It is rather, “There but for the grace of God …”
And my heart goes out to those who are left behind, because I know that they suffer terribly. Children in particular are left under a cloud of differentness all the more terrifying because it can never be fully explained or lifted. The immediate family of the victim is left wide open to tidal waves of guilt: “What did I fail to do that I should have done? What did I do wrong?”
To such grieving persons I can only say, “Lift up your heads and your hearts. Surely you did your best. And surely the loved one who is gone did his best, for as long as he could.
Remember, now, that his battles and torments are over. Do not judge him, and do not presume to fathom the mind of God where this one of His children is concerned.”
A few years ago, when a young man died by his own hand, a service for him was conducted by his pastor, the Reverend Weston Stevens. What he said that day expresses, far more eloquently than I can, the message that I’m trying to convey. Here are some of his words:
Our friend died on his own battlefield. He was killed in action fighting a civil war. He fought against adversaries that were as real to him as his casket is real to us. They were powerful adversaries. They took toll of his energies and endurance. They exhausted the last vestiges of his courage and his strength. At last these adversaries overwhelmed him. And it appeared that he lost the war. But did he? I see a host of victories that he has won!
For one thing – he has won our admiration – because even if he lost the war, we give him credit for the courage and pride and hope that he used as his weapons as long as he could. We shall remember not his death, but his daily victories gained through his kindnesses and thoughtfulness, through his love for family and friends, for animals and books and music, for all things beautiful, lovely and honorable. We shall remember not his last day of defeat, but we shall remember the many days that that he was victorious over overwhelming odds. We shall remember not the years we thought he had left, but the intensity with which he lived the years that he had.
Only God knows what this child of His suffered in the silent skirmishes that took place in his soul. But our consolation is that God does know, and understands.
Songs for this week:
This one requires kleenex at times... this singer lost his 19 year old in a boating accident:
Craig Morgan: The Father, My Son and the Holy Ghost
A song for those who are fighting the battle Joey lost: Please Stay
Lay Down your Burdens by Amy Grant (on my playlist)