Caution: sharp curves ahead, steep downgrades and falling rocks...which lead you to spectacular views.
The Lord is near the broken-hearted; he saves those crushed in spirit. “The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
Psalm 34:18
Road trips have become a very regular part of the Matuza family’s vacations. My family resides on the west coast so every other year we have made it a point to make it out to see my family in Southern California. We love the Rocky Mountains and all the beauty you witness in that landscape. Colorado and Utah are always favorite places of ours to stop and enjoy the view. This years road trip was already taking on a change in that we would be helping transition my parents to senior living in Oregon near family. Little did I know the drastic change this trip would take after March 24. We would have one less active hiking boy with us. Jacque actually also wasn’t able to make it so for the first time in 15 years we are traveling as 4 instead of 6. We generally take the same route with a few changes so this is a very familiar road filled with joyful memories of family bonding including laughter, love and adventure. With that in mind it is a very reflective journey of grief, one with cautions ahead and scenic viewpoints.
Sharp curves ahead. While driving elevation you learn quickly how to navigate the curves. Losing your child suddenly is one of those sharp curves you never saw coming, your speed is sometimes too fast and you don’t have control. For me that is our family that seems incomplete. Sometimes I find myself counting heads 1,2,3,4....wait 1,2,3. It’s those natural things you always did as a mother checking in. You find yourself ready to send a check in text. Time eventually helps your new reality set in. There are times in mountain driving when you come around a curve to a stunning view. The key is to stop and let yourself experience those views. For me the love and support of incredible friends and family are that view. It’s love and compassion in its most real form.
Steep downgrades. We like to call these brake burners. Where there is an elevation climb theres an elevation descent. As a suicide loss survivor, these downgrades are when you start to lose faith and thus control. It’s that very isolating place you find yourself in trying to make sense of yesterday, today and tomorrow. I usually have to slow down, put on the brakes and understand this isn’t my burden to carry alone. Gods got this and I just have to bring it all to the table as he knows my heart more than anyone.
Falling Rocks. Yesterday and today we have been enjoying Utah and the beauty in Bryce Canyon, Grand Staircase Escalante and today we headed up the mountain near where we are staying. The caution falling rocks sign is one you see often. These rocks you see are absolutely breathtaking with their color and shape towering over you with such an ominous presence and power. Its easy to spot that huge boulder that slipped off its base and tumbled down. I would picture Joey under that rock trying to lift it with all his might and walk with it on his back while it slowly weighted him down beyond measure. His rock was mental illness. He carried it as long as he could but that rock got heavier and heavier with each step. As a grieving parent there is a weight you carry, the weight of the loss. I read in one book that it’s like an amputation losing a child. The limb is no longer there but you still sense the pain. That child is very much still in your heart but in a way it’s a bit of a hole in your heart. The rocks will fall as they always do but you just have to navigate your way through it.
The result of of all that elevation driving: stunning views. In the journey of grief those beautiful views are all around you but you have to see them. Like I said earlier, support of friends and family has to be one of the most healing “views” along with constant prayer. One of these many angels with whom I’ve been newly connected with on my journey of losing a son to mental illness sent me a series of small books (books 1-4) called “Journeying through grief” by Dr Kenneth C Haugk. He talks about healing people. They are Here for you, Empathetic, Accepting, and Listening. There is nothing more true. I’ve witnessed this amazing outpouring of hope through people like this. The moment you learn you lost a child this way you want to have anger against someone; society, social media, the mental health industry, etc. But then these angels in your life present themselves and your perspective turns for the better understanding the good can outweigh the bad.
This trip has been an emotional one but also an enjoyable one being with almost my whole family. There is a viewpoint rest stop that we always stop at in Utah. Joey and Jacque loved teetering atop this lifeless tree that overlooked a big canyon. That photo is one we used at his funeral even in choosing an urn. Joey loved trees, climbing them swinging from them and just looking at them. We stopped at that same tree and with the help of packing tape and some mini bungees from a 7-11 we left a bookmark there. it felt good to honor his joy there. 2 years ago we went white water rafting in CO. Ironically when we were there Wed night the river was too high for rafting in that spot. Tomorrow we make it to the beach, the beach he loved. It will be different since we really are helping my parents this time but he will be on our mind as always. The boys will swim away just like he would have.
Life’s road trips can bring us adventure, sorrow, and joy. Honor each moment as it comes. They are part of the journey.
Song: To the table by Zach Williams
https://youtu.be/p2jpAdXEtV0
