Honor your father and mother I that your days may be long in the land the LORD has given you.
Exodus 20:12
”The sandwich generation”? The name for the generation who is caring for their children and their parents. My story is a little different in that there is loss involved. It involves caring for children grieving the unexpected loss of their brother along with helping my parents transition. It has become evident within the last year that my parents need help when it comes to the challenges of daily life. Mom has started showing clear signs of dementia and dad is not able to handle all the responsibilities. The challenge of course is that 29 hour drive or 3.5 hour flight that separates us. This past January I was able to get a leave approved to help this summer get them moved. They will be moving to a retirement community in Woodburn, Oregon that has extensive resources all around them. It’s a challenge to maintain their dignity and honor all they’ve given to those students in their many years of teaching. So with that I’m gonna tell you about my sweet parents, John and Jacque Swaney.
Mom. Jacque. Grandma. Sister. Teacher. Daughter. Friend. My mother is and always will be my mentor. She has taught me by example what Faith and resilience look like. My childhood involved some moves. Our family spent four years in Manila, Philippines where my dad taught at Faith Academy (a school for children of missionaries). My mom would host backyard bible clubs for the neighborhood and surrounded this international move with smiles, laughter and fun. She used to tell me stories of how she handled the bugs, roaches specifically. “Oh that wasn’t a problem, you just keep your eyes closed for five minutes after you turn on the light so they can scatter”. We moved a few more times back to Oregon then to California and she was always there calmly making that transition fun for us the best she could. Her demeanor has always and continues to be kind, caring and humble. She was also resilient. She was diagnosed with cancer a couple years after our move to California. 1987. We were struggling to make ends meet financially at the time and she was at a new teaching job so we chemo treatments happened on Fridays so she could be sick through the weekend and return to the classroom on Monday. She had a positive attitude through it all and even still made holidays fun for us like always with tradition. She has had a couple other cancers since then but like always smiles through it all looking up trusting God. My moms journey and outlook is one that inspired me from a young age. I believe more recently she has passed that baton on to me showing me through her journey that God does make a way and we can get through it. While it’s hard seeing her struggle I’m hanging on to every moment we have with each other. Her memory of people, names and events involving those people is so far unaffected. It’s things like driving, understanding time and picking out clothes that are more affected. I look forward to the day that she is comfortably living in a contained apartment with friends all around and care close by.
Dad. Silly Grandpa. Brother. Teacher. Friend. Teacher. Son. Teacher. Coach My dad is one that kept things active in our house. He was a teacher and loved that role in his life. I can tell you he is still a teacher because yesterday going through his books I got a history lesson which usually starts at the beginning has an extensive middle and an ending. Dad is very well read and has always loved a good book. History is his favorite with autobiography taking a close second. While he doesn’t have the patience of my mom, he did make things fun. I can recall starting the new school here in California. He was a teacher there and it was a private Christian school. I told him my friends wanted to “TP” a house. He got this smile on his face and became the manager of our event. He was a huge prankster in high school. Being raised by a single mom in the 50’s living on a campus that included a nursing home and high school meant he knew the place pretty well by the time he reached high school. There was a time we lived in Seaside and he always had a telescope on our upper floor to watch for sea life in the ocean. He tells my brother and I there is a beached whale at the end of the prom. Mike and I run probably at least a mile to see that whale only to realize what day it was; April 1st. Dad is and was funny. He brought laughter into our home regularly. Just listening to him laugh makes me smile. I look forward to the moment dad no longer has to worry about the house and is able to sit and laugh at a movie.
i got to their house here and started to help noticing what mom had placed everywhere; photos of Joey. She still has that heart of gold to nurture and care for others. In a way it’s a grief break being out here since I don’t have the visual reminders and triggers that are back in Minnesota. The grief here is more of a grief of my parents aging and realizing I need to prepare for their needs in the future because some things are a challenge. Its as as if I just have two roads I’m journeying simultaneously and there are times they cross and other times they are far apart.
One thing that continues to be present is friendship. My friends are family to me at home in Minnesota and here in Oceanside. The love others have to give is so present and real, it gives you strength to press on.
So yes at times I feel like the Panini in The sandwich generation with the grill pressing on both sides but the end result will be good. To be able to help and see progress while helping maybe heals the fact that I wasn’t given that chance with Joey.
Today’s Song Is yet another song that and on the radio while driving my friends car around yesterday. Below the song are a couple garage photos; Dad looking through his extensive book collection, that’s just the start and a photo we came across on garage floor of Joey running. It had fallen out of a box.
https://youtu.be/DILOtmt9nww
